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-   -   i'm married and love someone else (http://www.wowwomen.com/boards/showthread.php?t=1699)

precious February 22nd, 2009 03:28 PM

i'm married and love someone else
I've been married for 7 years and have a small child. We moved last year and as a result I found a new job close to home and quit my old one. But it was when I quit my old job that I realized I was in love with my boss. And still am. He told me he loved me when I quit and between the time I gave notice and left there was a lot of sexual tension between us. He would come out of his office and give me a file and cover my hand with his, come up behind me while I was at the copier and rub my back, etc. When I left, we held each other and cried and he had his hand under my blazer while he was stroking my back. If I had gone for it, I'm sure we would have had a sexual encounter there.

I left in July, told him I loved him in October. He told me he didn't know I felt that way and is pretending to be surprised. Between the time I quit and actually left we had each said I love you several times. Even after I left, I would email him and tell him I am always thinking of him. I even mailed him a card saying he is my first thought in the AM, my last thought in the PM and that I love him and it will never change. He can't be as dense as to not have known how I feel.

Despite the fact that I'm still married and he has a girlfriend, we still keep in touch via email. I'm having a very hard time letting go of this. I've known him a long time, and I think I always loved him but when we met he was married(she died shortly before I was married), then I was married and so I think I kept the feeling buried. Life is too short when you love someone to let it go, and though its not the ideal situation to have an affair, that's exactly what I want to do. I don't envision leaving my husband and spending my life with him, but I think "Nester" and I should make each other happy when we can.

I invited him to have dinner with me and said I would not emote, just talk about work, baseball, politics, etc. He hasn't responded either way yet, which makes me believe he is thinking about it. But I won't be surprised if he doesn't respond at all. He is a very straight laced, ethical person and he says he wants the best for me and my husband and child. I think he is trying to protect me and himself. It would be easier to let this go if I wasn't so sure he felt something.

I need to either have this affair and let it run its course or forget about it completely and at least function in my marriange, which so far I have managed to do.

Is anyone else out there in this situation?

Tedette October 27th, 2009 05:05 PM

I feel the same about a man I work with. I'm married 7 years also but have no children. I think about him all the time and enjoy being with him and seeing him. I knew him before I took the job but never fancied him until the first day we met up again. There was an instant attraction. He's married also but has no children. I just think he's lovely and kind, funny and clever, has lovely hazel eyes - sometimes green, sometimes brown. I know one of us will probably move jobs sometime and I dread not being able to see him so often. I cant talk about this to anyone obviously I don't want to hurt my husband or his wife. For now I'm just trying to enjoy our chats. I know he likes me but probably if he saw inside my head he would run a mile.

forestgreen December 29th, 2009 02:57 PM

I feel the same for another man. It just makes it feel worse when you can't talk to anyone about it. My best friends know what's going on with me, but it's not the same as actually being able to tell him and my hubby how I've been feeling. I have always felt shy around this man since I met him. I thought I must have some silly crush on him that would soon go away but it hasn't worked that way. The more I spend time with him the more I wish I were single or married to him instead. He is unattached as far as I know. I hate not being able to do anything about it, but still feeling guilty to have such feelings. Now I'm the type of person who is really bad at hiding my feelings while I'm trying to bottle them up, so I think sooner or later this will come out and I'm just dreading that moment if/when it does come. It seems like he is attracted to me but I don't know if he will ever say something. Secretly I wish he would.

illicitdolphin January 5th, 2010 10:01 AM

I feel ya...
I have been married 7 years as well...what a coinky-dink? LOL...and I feel the same way. What is it, after 7 years we get bored with our husbands and need excitement in our lives? I don't know, but I do know I really care for someone else and it's driving me crazy because I haven't seen him in almost a year and I just found out he's incarcerated in a totally different state because of some stupid crap with his "baby mama"...yep...baby mama drama. She wouldn't ever let him see his kids so I can only imagine what was going on there. I know when they used to live with us she slept all the time while he worked and I watched the kids but anyhow. I don't know if it is love or what but I do know I really really care for him and he seems to be all I have thought about since the day I met him. Not a day goes by I don't think about him. I feel bad because my husband knows the guy (one of his friends) and I also think he knows I feel something for him. I'm lost though...confused...anyone else?? :confused:

crazymomma January 5th, 2010 10:25 AM

I understand. This guy who was a part of my life for 13 years. I can't have any contact with just because the guy I now live with knows we had been sleeping with each other for most of that time. It's so herd. I think of him all the time and the holidays and his birthday are the hardest. I still love him and always will. I call him when I can but not often.

Acindy March 9th, 2010 01:37 PM

Must be in the water!
I've been married for 2 years now, but I have been with my husband for 7 years. And yes I love him dearly, but I'm not sure its that kinda love...I work at a body shop, and about 2 years ago we hired a painter here, and after meeting him, I knew right away I had an instant connection to him. But in our conversation I learned he got married the weekend before I did. So I drop that feeling I had and tried my hardest to not flirt. Well, since then he had moved out of this town and went to the city to find more work we kinda kept in touch, but not as well. For some reason I had this urge to text him about a month ago, and when I did he wrote back saying his wife and him are getting a divorce. I was really shocked. I also just fund out he had these secret feelings for me...as well as I did for him. Now we talk constantly! He makes me feel happy! And he's so real and open. I'm beginning to see when I don't hear from him I start to miss him and we all know where that's going. I never intended to have feelings for someone I work with. But he fills that void I'm missing from home. We relate so well. Another bad thing on my end, is my husband and I have been having problems for about 6 months now and it hasn't been an easy road. So I know exactly where you are coming from with these feelings. I guess I can't really give "any advice" because I'm going through this too! But at least your not alone! :)

kittycats37 March 22nd, 2010 08:58 PM

I know what you mean about still loving someone,I love my husband which i loved for 15 years and someone else i love to Ive known since I was 18 im 36 know. Hes married to but him and his wife are not married for romance.

brooke05 March 24th, 2010 03:31 PM

I know the feeling
I know exactly what your going thru. I also am in love with my boss, but he is married and I am getting married in June. Its tough because you dont know what to do, be with who you want or be with who you need. I love my future husband, he is amazing, but at the same time I love my boss as well. We have had feelings for eachother for a very long time now, and Im leaving in a year, so its complicated. The only thing I keep saying to myself is that if he would cheat with u then he will cheat on you. I finally told him about a month ago that I was tired of second guessing my relationship with someone who adore and loves me for someone that I dont know does. Anyway, the best advice I can say is dont chance it because its really not worth it. if its meant to be then it will. It may take time, but you meet everyone for a reason.

domeknoweverything17 April 11th, 2010 11:25 AM

Just Do It
My situation is similar but also very different. I'm not having any problems with my husband. We've been together for 5 years , married 2 of the 5. We moved to my husbands home town in Europe after we married and I stayed there for 2 years in complete isolation from the rest of the world. I thought I was happy. We enjoy each others company BUT I have recently come to realize that my husband is keeping me like a pet. We don't have any friends, he likes to keep me to himself. He buys me things and thinks we should be happy. We hardly ever have sex and it wasn't until I moved back to the states that I realized that my marriage wasn't "normal."
The plan was to move back, get a job, do my husbands immigration and reunite. Everything was going perfectly until I got a job and met this wonderful man. I feel like my heart is waking up. My feelings for him are so intense that I can't handle it. He knows that I am married but he really likes me too. We would never do anything to jeopardize my marriage plus he has a child and his child's mother to deal with but I am absolutely torn.
Now as the day that me and my husband will reunite comes closer I am filled with dread. This man and I talk more and are steadily spending more and more time together. Lately we've been finding reasons to touch, calling and texting each other. I can feel the boundaries eroding but I don't know how far I want to take it with this other man.
For now I just do what comes easy. I don't go out of my way to see this man from work, though lately he has been going out of his way to see me. I know there could be something very nice there, in the very least I would enjoy the sex. I've made up my mind that if it comes to that I will do it, that is, until my husband enters the states. But for now I can not imagine leaving my husband for this man, regardless of how strong my feelings are, that I haven't know for even a year.
So I guess I have decided on the affair. I hate to keep secrets from my husband but I have brought up the ideal of an open marriage with him various times. I just need more sex and affection than my husband is willing or capable of giving me. I don't want to leave my husband and start over because I feel that my husband is the only man who comes close to understanding and accepting me for who I am. BUT you only have one life to live and when you find love I feel it's worth taking advantage of.

zee April 19th, 2010 10:11 AM

i must say i know what you going through, but my situation is worse.i got a job in another province and my husband of 10yrs remained in another one,for the past 2 years all was well or so i thought.until i meet a guy that i fell madly in love with,he is everything i ever wanted in a man.i meet my husband when i was very young and we quickly got married and he cheated on me with many women in the past 10yrs and i forgave him but i was never able to forget.i told my husband that i do not fell the same way about him anymore and he does not want to let go,he is even planning to move to where i am and i am not impressed,i really do not love him anymore.but i do not know how to make him come to terms with it,without fighting with him because we have a 4yr old together.any advice will be appreciated.

sunshinegirl April 19th, 2010 11:41 AM

omg im sorry that you are unhappy in your marriage omg first he was married and u were not. and then he was single and you got married wow what a fustrating situation you are in here. and i do understand that you have a small child and that makes it more complicated but if you truly love this guy and he loves you then go for it! i know the best thing for a healthy upbringing for a child is to have your parents together but what good is that if you are unhappy that is unhealthy for your child as well. im in a similar situation but im not in love with anybody else at the time. i do love my husband but im 25 years old and have been together for 10 years and i have 2 kids. so i never got that time to myself since i settled down and started a family so young. i never really got to just be a young single girl going out with friends i do love my husband and my boys but i just wish i had some time to myself.

triskashane September 27th, 2010 02:59 AM

I think sunshine girl has a point. But for me, I would choose my husband between my boy. I just don't want to ruined my child's life. Its just my opinion.

Rainbowville September 28th, 2010 07:31 PM

Thats a really tough situation to be in. It's been a while since you posted. Any updates on how things turned out?

mcbkah October 15th, 2010 11:01 AM

I know exactly how you feel too. I have been married for 14 years with 3 children. I am 38 and know completely that I am in love with the man I first fell in love with over 22 years ago. He has never married and does not have children. For years he has been in my heart. I married my husband when I got pregnant in college and we've been together ever since. He's a good man who has taken care of me, but I have never been truly in love with him. When I think of being in love, passion and desire, its the old love I think of. I have not been able to get this person out of my heart for the longest of times. I got in touch with him over a year ago and have seriously wanted to seperate from my husband so that I can be with the man I love. He has not said that he feels the same for me but I do feel that there is something between us. I could stay in the marriage I am in and just ride it out, but my heart is not in it. It never really was. I was used to taking care of the kids and my husband and never really addressed how I felt on the inside. I know that I haven't any advise for person who originally posted, but my heart goes out to her. I just keep praying that I get the courage to live for what my heart really wants.

Tedette October 21st, 2010 04:09 AM

Now I'm pregnant with my husband, I'm still in love with man I work with and will miss him when off on maternity leave. Have had to distance myself from him due to pregancy and I know he is hurt. I'm so afraid of messing things up now for my baby it has to take priority. Thank god I didn't tell him how I feel - life is complicated enough. Deep inside though I know I wish it was his baby, esp since he never had any and I know his wife is too old now.

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