Am I being abused....... and please I am serious

buterfly_1974 · June 13th, 2006, 12:10 PM

I have been in a relationship with a man for a little over a year. He has always had a temper and has thrown things and yelled. He pushed me once and I flew across our bed and hit the wall. I didn't really think too much of it because I was trying to get past him and he wouldn't let me so I grabbed his arm to move it which in turn pushed him out of my way. So he pushed back. I chalked it up to the fact that he was having emotional issues because he lost his father in a bad wreck about 4 months prior to the "push" and I know that I am the only person he feels he can talk to about the death and I know he had been depressed. Quit his job wouldn't get out of his jammies etc. There were a few other heated arguements with him where he broke my cell phone and threw my blender across the living room. But he didn't put his hands on me.
This weekend he got very angry at me because he thought I was keeping secrets with his brother. The secret was stupid he thought I wanted to keep it secret that my daughter didn't do the dishes like I asked her to. But what happened was I left her a note to do them and when I got home she hadn't done them. His brother was standing in our kitchen when I said I will deal with this later and I put the note in her room on her bed for when she came home. I guess his brother told him that I said don't tell i don't want him to know. Anyway to make this long exhausting story short I asked my boyfriend what was wrong and he said something like how long have you been keeping secrets from me with my brother. I told him exactly what took place but he wouldn't believe me. So I walked over to go get the phone so he could call him with me standing there but he wouldn't move out of the doorway. I grabbed his arm to move it and he put his arms around me tightly. I tried to get away from him but he wouldn't let go of me. He threw me to the floor and I hit my head on our hard wood and it was on. I did everything I could to get away from him but he wouldn't let go of me he kept pinning me down. My son (this is where it is bad) came running out of the shower and hit him. He then let me go and told my son "Get your F###### A@@ back in the shower NOW!" I freaked out and asked him what the hell he was doing and why he was yelling at him and he owed him an apology he said. "He needs to mind his own F###### business and stay in the bathroom. I figured out there was no reasoning with him abou this so I went to go get my son and he pushed me across the kitchen I fell down and flew into the fridge. Then he picked up our big fan and threw it and it broke into 4 pieces. I got up and went in the bathroom where my son was in complete shock. My boyfriend kept yelling that he owed him an apology for throwing the towel at him. I kept telling him he is 8 years old I am his mommy he was trying to protect me. What part of him seeing you on top of me don't you get? I sent my son to his sisters room while I packed up his stuff. He pinned me down again on the floor of our room and threw me into the dresser. I got up and went to my daughters room and sat with my son until he left. He was yelling the whole time. Saying why I thought it was okay for me to hit him but not okay for him. I was trying to protect myself. Was I wrong to do this? Did I deserve to get what I got? Should I have not tried to move his arm? I feel like it is all my fault if I just would have not tried to move his arm none of that would have happened.
He did finally call his brother. And his brother did finally say what really took place but it was a little late for me and for my son and what he saw. I never pictured myself in a situation that is like this. I don't know what to do. Maybe I just pushed too much. Maybe I should have just let him be mad about whatever it was he thought was going on with his brother. I don't know.
Please don't send me mean messages. I just need some support and I have nobody else to go to.
C

LiamFan! · June 13th, 2006, 02:15 PM

I hope he is gone and not welcome back in your house?

buterfly_1974 · June 13th, 2006, 02:40 PM

My son and I went to bed and since he lives with us I woke up to him sleeping on the couch. But he got up and left for work without talking to me at all. His things are in his car. I left the house with my kids and went and spent the day with my mother. When i got home he was in our room asleep. I just didn't know what to say or what to do. And my son wanted to give him a hug? I think I am just so overwhelmed with the reality of what actually happened. And how did I let this happen?

WillowWOW · June 21st, 2006, 11:05 PM

((Butterfly_1974 and family))))

You aren't to be blamed for another's actions nor to think you 'allowed' it to happen. We are each responsible for our words and actions.

What your boyfriend did was not accept the blame for his own actions and thinks to ignore it and everything is ok again. Which it isnt.....Let him know you arent taking that nonsense again in any shape way or form. We all have the right to happiness including being safe. It doesnt mean he has the right to do that to you. If a person loves you then your happiness health and well being is the upmost for that person. I know how it feels to lose a beloved parent. Yet that doesnt give me the right be abusive to anyone else.

Tell him to get some counselling and get real. Come anytime and keep us posted with yourself. Please know that I have been there done that in the situation you are in.

Keep yourself and family safe.
Know that others do care about your family and yourself.

Be well.

IRISH_EYES_99 · June 22nd, 2006, 10:34 AM

This is an on going situation. YOU need to take some serious steps for YOUR safety and that of YOUR SON!!!!

You are not to blame, but if you allow this man to stay knowing he is abusive, then you are putting you and your son in danger.

You go for the counseling, and get a lawyer to help you take the right steps.

That type of behavior only gets more aggressive with time. You can not change someone who does not see they are doing harm.

By staying you are showing your son it's ok to be abusive to women.

Good luck.

LindaL · July 10th, 2006, 09:11 PM

HI C,
Yes, this is abusive behavior and it will get worse over time. It is definitely not healthy for your son to be living in this environment. He will learn that it is okay to abuse power against others as well as feel guilty and helpless at not being able to help you.

Likely you can think of good things about your boyfriend, however, no one has the right to treat you that way. You need to establish BOUNDARIES clearly and if someone crosses those boundries and hurts you, it is so wise to see help and get away from it.

I admire you for writing and asking. YOU are not at fault for this. Check online for websites that talk about Domestic Violence. They will have info you need to know.

Also, please stay in touch. It is important in an abusive situation to have a support system - people who care and can help. Wishing you and your son happiness and peace.

LindaL

July 10th, 2006, 11:36 PM

Look <a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/index.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">here</a> for information on: 
<a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/battering.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">Why Does Domestic Violence Happen?</a> <a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/leave.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">Why Do Women Stay? Why Don't They Leave?</a> <a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/abuse.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">The Types of Abuse</a> <a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/cycle.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">The Cycle of Abuse</a> <a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/effects.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">The Effects of Abuse</a> <a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/what-to-do.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">What to Do if You are in an Abusive Relationship</a> <a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/help.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">Getting Help</a> <a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/others.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">How Friends and Families Can Help</a> <a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/abuser.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">If You Are Abusive</a> <a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/work.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">Domestic Violence in the Workplace</a> <a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/pros.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">How Professionals Can Respond</a> <a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/lesbian.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">Abuse in Lesbian Relationships</a>
<table style="border: solid 2px black; border-collapse: collaspe; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="4"><tr><th colspan="2" style="border-bottom: 1px solid black" align="center">Resources</th></tr><tr valign="top"><td style="border-bottom: 1px solid black">National Domestic Violence Hotline</td><td style="border-bottom: 1px solid black" align="right">1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 (TDD)</td><tr><td style="border-bottom: 1px solid black">National Coalition Against Domestic Violence</td><td style="border-bottom: 1px solid black" align="right">1-303-839-1852</td></tr><tr><td style="border-bottom: 1px solid black">Resource Center on Domestic Violence, Child Protection and Custody</td><td style="border-bottom: 1px solid black" align="right">1-800-527-3223</td></tr><tr><td style="border-bottom: 1px solid black">Health Resource Center on Domestic Violence</td><td style="border-bottom: 1px solid black" align="right">1-888-792-2873</td></tr><tr><td>The Battered Women's Justice Project</td><td align="right">1-800-903-0111</td></tr></table>

Miss Understood · March 25th, 2010, 07:52 AM

lady, get out of that relationship as soon as you can, if it already got that bad, it will never get better!!! stay strong!

Wolf_angel · March 25th, 2010, 11:02 AM

No one ever lets it happen. You dont have control over that idiot aka person. Tis their choice. Hence Get out and do what you must for yourself and the children.

June 13th, 2006, 12:10 PM	#1
buterfly_1974 Registered User Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: washington Posts: 2	Am I being abused....... and please I am serious I have been in a relationship with a man for a little over a year. He has always had a temper and has thrown things and yelled. He pushed me once and I flew across our bed and hit the wall. I didn't really think too much of it because I was trying to get past him and he wouldn't let me so I grabbed his arm to move it which in turn pushed him out of my way. So he pushed back. I chalked it up to the fact that he was having emotional issues because he lost his father in a bad wreck about 4 months prior to the "push" and I know that I am the only person he feels he can talk to about the death and I know he had been depressed. Quit his job wouldn't get out of his jammies etc. There were a few other heated arguements with him where he broke my cell phone and threw my blender across the living room. But he didn't put his hands on me. This weekend he got very angry at me because he thought I was keeping secrets with his brother. The secret was stupid he thought I wanted to keep it secret that my daughter didn't do the dishes like I asked her to. But what happened was I left her a note to do them and when I got home she hadn't done them. His brother was standing in our kitchen when I said I will deal with this later and I put the note in her room on her bed for when she came home. I guess his brother told him that I said don't tell i don't want him to know. Anyway to make this long exhausting story short I asked my boyfriend what was wrong and he said something like how long have you been keeping secrets from me with my brother. I told him exactly what took place but he wouldn't believe me. So I walked over to go get the phone so he could call him with me standing there but he wouldn't move out of the doorway. I grabbed his arm to move it and he put his arms around me tightly. I tried to get away from him but he wouldn't let go of me. He threw me to the floor and I hit my head on our hard wood and it was on. I did everything I could to get away from him but he wouldn't let go of me he kept pinning me down. My son (this is where it is bad) came running out of the shower and hit him. He then let me go and told my son "Get your F###### A@@ back in the shower NOW!" I freaked out and asked him what the hell he was doing and why he was yelling at him and he owed him an apology he said. "He needs to mind his own F###### business and stay in the bathroom. I figured out there was no reasoning with him abou this so I went to go get my son and he pushed me across the kitchen I fell down and flew into the fridge. Then he picked up our big fan and threw it and it broke into 4 pieces. I got up and went in the bathroom where my son was in complete shock. My boyfriend kept yelling that he owed him an apology for throwing the towel at him. I kept telling him he is 8 years old I am his mommy he was trying to protect me. What part of him seeing you on top of me don't you get? I sent my son to his sisters room while I packed up his stuff. He pinned me down again on the floor of our room and threw me into the dresser. I got up and went to my daughters room and sat with my son until he left. He was yelling the whole time. Saying why I thought it was okay for me to hit him but not okay for him. I was trying to protect myself. Was I wrong to do this? Did I deserve to get what I got? Should I have not tried to move his arm? I feel like it is all my fault if I just would have not tried to move his arm none of that would have happened. He did finally call his brother. And his brother did finally say what really took place but it was a little late for me and for my son and what he saw. I never pictured myself in a situation that is like this. I don't know what to do. Maybe I just pushed too much. Maybe I should have just let him be mad about whatever it was he thought was going on with his brother. I don't know. Please don't send me mean messages. I just need some support and I have nobody else to go to. C

June 13th, 2006, 02:15 PM	#2
LiamFan! Member Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 2,048	I hope he is gone and not welcome back in your house? __________________ Love is never defeated, and I could add, the history of Ireland proves it. -- Pope John Paul II

June 13th, 2006, 02:40 PM	#3
buterfly_1974 Registered User Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: washington Posts: 2	he came back after we had gone to bed My son and I went to bed and since he lives with us I woke up to him sleeping on the couch. But he got up and left for work without talking to me at all. His things are in his car. I left the house with my kids and went and spent the day with my mother. When i got home he was in our room asleep. I just didn't know what to say or what to do. And my son wanted to give him a hug? I think I am just so overwhelmed with the reality of what actually happened. And how did I let this happen?

June 21st, 2006, 11:05 PM	#4
WillowWOW Whimisical WOW Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: PA Posts: 558	Well here is my two cents ((Butterfly_1974 and family)))) You aren't to be blamed for another's actions nor to think you 'allowed' it to happen. We are each responsible for our words and actions. What your boyfriend did was not accept the blame for his own actions and thinks to ignore it and everything is ok again. Which it isnt.....Let him know you arent taking that nonsense again in any shape way or form. We all have the right to happiness including being safe. It doesnt mean he has the right to do that to you. If a person loves you then your happiness health and well being is the upmost for that person. I know how it feels to lose a beloved parent. Yet that doesnt give me the right be abusive to anyone else. Tell him to get some counselling and get real. Come anytime and keep us posted with yourself. Please know that I have been there done that in the situation you are in. Keep yourself and family safe. Know that others do care about your family and yourself. Be well. __________________ May your path follow the Medicine Wheel

June 22nd, 2006, 10:34 AM	#5
IRISH_EYES_99 Member Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: in the state of confusion :) Posts: 3,524	This is an on going situation. YOU need to take some serious steps for YOUR safety and that of YOUR SON!!!! You are not to blame, but if you allow this man to stay knowing he is abusive, then you are putting you and your son in danger. You go for the counseling, and get a lawyer to help you take the right steps. That type of behavior only gets more aggressive with time. You can not change someone who does not see they are doing harm. By staying you are showing your son it's ok to be abusive to women. Good luck. __________________ Smiles are contagious. It's ok to pass them on. *

July 10th, 2006, 09:11 PM	#6
LindaL Registered User Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Alberta Canada Posts: 2	HI C, Yes, this is abusive behavior and it will get worse over time. It is definitely not healthy for your son to be living in this environment. He will learn that it is okay to abuse power against others as well as feel guilty and helpless at not being able to help you. Likely you can think of good things about your boyfriend, however, no one has the right to treat you that way. You need to establish BOUNDARIES clearly and if someone crosses those boundries and hurts you, it is so wise to see help and get away from it. I admire you for writing and asking. YOU are not at fault for this. Check online for websites that talk about Domestic Violence. They will have info you need to know. Also, please stay in touch. It is important in an abusive situation to have a support system - people who care and can help. Wishing you and your son happiness and peace. LindaL

July 10th, 2006, 11:36 PM	#7
Tango Guest Posts: n/a	<p>Look <a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/index.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">here</a> for information on:<br /> <p><a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/battering.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">Why Does Domestic Violence Happen?</a><br><a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/leave.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">Why Do Women Stay? Why Don't They Leave?</a><br><a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/abuse.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">The Types of Abuse</a><br><a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/cycle.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">The Cycle of Abuse</a><br><a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/effects.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">The Effects of Abuse</a><br><a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/what-to-do.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">What to Do if You are in an Abusive Relationship</a><br><a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/help.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">Getting Help</a><br><a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/others.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">How Friends and Families Can Help</a><br><a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/abuser.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">If You Are Abusive</a><br><a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/work.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">Domestic Violence in the Workplace</a><br><a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/pros.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">How Professionals Can Respond</a><br><a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/lesbian.php" style="color: red; text-decoration: underline">Abuse in Lesbian Relationships</a></p> <table style="border: solid 2px black; border-collapse: collaspe; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="4"><tr><th colspan="2" style="border-bottom: 1px solid black" align="center">Resources</th></tr><tr valign="top"><td style="border-bottom: 1px solid black">National Domestic Violence Hotline</td><td style="border-bottom: 1px solid black" align="right">1-800-799-7233 or<br>1-800-787-3224 (TDD)</td><tr><td style="border-bottom: 1px solid black">National Coalition Against Domestic Violence</td><td style="border-bottom: 1px solid black" align="right">1-303-839-1852</td></tr><tr><td style="border-bottom: 1px solid black">Resource Center on Domestic Violence, Child Protection and Custody</td><td style="border-bottom: 1px solid black" align="right">1-800-527-3223</td></tr><tr><td style="border-bottom: 1px solid black">Health Resource Center on Domestic Violence</td><td style="border-bottom: 1px solid black" align="right">1-888-792-2873</td></tr><tr><td>The Battered Women's Justice Project</td><td align="right">1-800-903-0111</td></tr></table>

March 25th, 2010, 07:52 AM	#8
Miss Understood Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 6	lady, get out of that relationship as soon as you can, if it already got that bad, it will never get better!!! stay strong!

March 25th, 2010, 11:02 AM	#9
Wolf_angel A survivor of chaos Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Where my heart is Posts: 3,147	No one ever lets it happen. You dont have control over that idiot aka person. Tis their choice. Hence Get out and do what you must for yourself and the children. __________________ May you walk in the shadow of the Great Spirit~To help others is a special gift we can either give or take~The more you give the more you receive~