How do I help my teenager understand me?

[Belana]

I have a 17 soon to be 18 year old son. I?m having difficulty communicating to him why I have to pursue a different lifestyle than the married and family one and why I?m so depressed presently.
I?ve been depressed pretty much all winter. I know what I need to do to help myself but I don?t think I?ll be able to explain it to him in a way that he?ll be able to accept let alone understand.
He?s a bright kid and very capable but I?m afraid that his maturity level is still not at the stage where I can be totally honest with him. I?m fairly certain that he still sees life in absolutes. I don?t think he?s completely capable of understanding some of the nuances of my life and my way of thinking.
I?m really not sure how to proceed with him in terms of communicating.
I want him to know that he?s not at all to blame for any of my depression and negative feelings and I?ve told him as much. However, there?s still a rift in our relationship that I?d like to repair but I don?t quite know how to do that.
I feel that if he were a little older and had more life experience, he would realize that I just can?t flip a switch and automatically be happy. I suppose I could tell him how I feel about that particular topic? I would tell him that feeling good about oneself takes great effort. At least it does for me.
I could say to him that I can?t do the things I need to do to feel good about myself living where I am currently living but I?m afraid that he will think that I?m blaming him in some way. Actually, that?s the main problem that I?ve had with him. Whenever I try to talk to him he accuses me of blaming him for how I feel. That?s certainly not correct. Of course it hurts me a lot when he argues with me about almost everything and there?s never a good time to try to talk to him about how I see things. My son and I are constantly arguing. All this confrontation has exacerbated our poor relationship.
I?m not certain how to tell him things without them sounding like I?m blaming him for how I feel. Every time I try to tell him anything he loses patience and our communication falls apart and I finally just give up.
It?s true that part of the reason I?m depressed is that I feel uncomfortable living this life of obligation to he and his father. A life that I realize now I was ill suited for, but what?s done is done and I am now going to leave in order to move forward in my life.
I love my son very much but I can no longer stay and live here with him and his father. It?s destroying me. I think it?s important for me to say at this juncture that I?ve had difficult health problems in the past. It?s my past health history that?s weakened me emotionally today and makes it very difficult for me to deal with highly emotionally volatile issues. I feel that the most emotionally exhausting of life?s scenarios have to do with dealing with marital problems and teenagers and their angst. I?m just not in a place where I feel strong and capable enough to do this anymore and that?s why I strongly feel that I must leave.
I may have been a lousy wife and mother, but I?ve done the best that I know how. The point is; I stayed and lived up to my responsibilities but I just can?t do it anymore. Obviously my situation is very complex. Nevertheless, I?m 100% certain that leaving is the best thing to do. I just wish my son could see that.
I will welcome any feedback about what I just wrote. Thanks for reading this from me.

[crazymomma]

(((((((Belana)))))) I am so sorry you are going through this. I how you find what you need to feel happy. I know it is hard to hear but in your heart I am sure you know that given time your son will understand that you had to do this. Not because you don't love him but because if you are that unhappy that it has turned into depression, it is indeed time to move out, get yourself well and then talk to him or if you will be seeing counsel, bring him along and talk with thier help.
We all get to the point that leaving seems the best but, be sure that everyone knows you have to help you beofre you can help them.
Best wishes and good luck. keep us posted.

[Belana]

Thank you crazymomma. I feels good to get a response that feels right and indeed it feels very right to me to work on myslef so that I heal.

I'm presently looking for a new place to live that's big enough for my kids to come and visit me if they want to. I hope that in time my son will be in a more accepting place in his life so that he can come visit me with an open mind and heart.

[crazymomma]

I wish you the best of luck. If he is anything like you he will. At his age right now it is a very selfish age. A lot of teens are like that.

[Naturally Unbridled]

Have you looked into Vitamin D or niacin to help with your depression? Also, there's a great book by Louise Hay called "You Can Heal Your Life" - you may want to see if your library has it or pick up a copy for yourself. Good luck!