long term effects of abuse

Miss Understood · March 25th, 2010, 07:50 AM

i have no idea how to put it into text but i will give it a shot
i have been abused sexually all my life, since i was 3 up to the point where i left the house at 16
somehow i seemed to be programmed incorrectly because my next relationship was just as abusive, and not only sexually
it took me two and a half years just to leave him because i actually made up excuses for the bruises and broken arms, legs, joints, etc. i had already accepted the fact that that was how it was supposed to happen... sadly enough...
when he shot me, i left... finally...
but the relationship after that one was of a same kind, and my life had changed into one big dip...
it took me til the age of 31 to find my current partner and he has finally taken off my blindfold to the world...
im actually happy and feel loved... but because of my programming in the past i still have trouble enjoying sweet gestures and loving intercourse...
i was wondering if anyone else has had/has this problem and how do you deal with it... my current partner would never hurt me intentionally and still sexually i am so messed up in my head that i can hardly enjoy the sweet tender love making... i feel pretty frustrated about that, but also realize that well, i dont KNOW any better... he is the sweetest about it but still i would love to hear how you change this way of thought... hope someone has a suggestion...

crazymomma · March 25th, 2010, 09:28 AM

I wish I could help but, I have yet to find my prince. I still keep finding toads and I think after this one I am with, when I go I have no plans to go back and I do plan to leave. Just It doesn't feel as if that time has come. If you ask some they would tell you that time is long past.
I can suggest one thing that has help me to get to this point is find a good counsilor.
You sound like a caring person and we all have love to give. If he really treats you well, let him. You have earned it.
I'm sure there are a few others who can give you better advice than me. Good luck hon, and don't let the good guy slip away like I did.

Miss Understood · March 25th, 2010, 09:36 AM

Thanks for the reply... Yeah I found my prince alright, right at the moment I gave up on everything... Fate sure has some good turns around its corner... And I sure as hell am never gonna let him go, but I just wish I could make him happier by letting my past be in the past... I had a psychologist, psychiatrist and counselors but after they hear the whole story, THEY cant deal with it, so I am shipped off to the next... I kind of quit that cuz they never really did me any good... But thanks for the suggestion... I greatly appreciate it...

Wolf_angel · March 25th, 2010, 10:58 AM

To rid yourself of excess baggage from the past is to go forth and using that as only a reminder of how strong you are now. To help you. Yes it was negative and could be crippling at one time, now use it to help you grow and focus on the present and future possibilities waiting for you. I know. For again I am dealing with no husband anymore and will forge ahead. Where I will land only the Creator knows. Yet I will trust the Creator and the true friends and family members I have. So I hope this helps.

Have a better day today than yesterday!

Miss Understood · March 25th, 2010, 12:08 PM

Thanks for the reply... I know WHAT to do, I just have no idea how

... I am unfortunately not blessed with family, they have all passed away and the few friends I have left alive try to help as much as they can, but my bagagge always follows me around... But thanks for the suggestion...

Wolf_angel · March 25th, 2010, 01:06 PM

Well see what kind of resources you have. Look at th library, the newspaper, and etc. Follow any leads that will get you closer to knowing what is best for you and will work out. Hope this helps as it was meant too.
Hugs

crazymomma · March 26th, 2010, 07:07 PM

Wolf angel is right. She has gone throught so much this year and just keeping on going. Thank God you have found someone who is as good to you as he is. Stop borrowing truble and the truth is we have to learn from are mistakes so as not to repeat them. You are lucky. As for a family, if ya stick around here long enough you'll find thast this is like a family.

Wolf_angel · March 27th, 2010, 12:04 PM

Ditto what Crazymomma said about this being like a family. Many of us have known for years. Hence the chaotic and silly stuff we do with each other. Keeping each other going with all else is falling apart! Best therapy there is I know of. And its all free with lots of love and support.

Hugs to all of you!

Miss Understood · March 28th, 2010, 05:27 PM

thanks so much... im working on some of the issues as we speak and am gonna move at the end of the week... i will be back online the week after and see if i can open up a bit in talking about it... thanks again... its nice to be understood...

crazymomma · March 29th, 2010, 10:32 AM

Tis the best when you find out you are among friends. Seems I got typo fever this week. Good thing folks here speak typonise.

Lingerie Goddess · April 20th, 2010, 10:50 AM

Dear Miss Understood,
First I want to say how courageous you are to share this and that I am sorry that you endured so many years of pain. I am happy for you that you have found a loving relationship and I wish you the best. I read a great article about how if "women don't feel safe, they cannot be fully wild" which the word wild means sexual/ sensually open. After all the trauma you experienced, you might want to get group support, cognitive therapy and continue working through all of your history. I took a course in NYC called Mama Genas School of Womanly Arts- which changed my life. There were many survivors of abuse and a fierce community of women who all wanted to feel good inside. Google it-and see if it resonates.

WDianneS · June 20th, 2011, 04:39 AM

I realize this thread is a couple of months old but thought I would throw in my thoughts......

As one who was badly abused through childhood and my teens I thought I had handled all yucky stuff when I left home in my early 20s. My first marriage was a disaster and the second was better but still fizzled out after 13 years.

It wasn't until I saw a psychologist in my late 50s that I came to realize how much the abuse had preprogrammed me in a self-defeating way. The psychologist zeroed in pretty quickly on the lingering effects of abuse and helped me to get over them. It wasn't very expensive either. I would have one appointment (an hour), she would root out something, and I would take weeks or months to think about it, make changes, and then go back when/if I felt there was more.

I wish I had done it years earlier!

Wolf_angel · June 20th, 2011, 07:13 AM

Good for you WDianneS! Counselling does help! Hugs to all of you!

IRISH_EYES_99 · June 20th, 2011, 08:02 PM

Going back to the old suggestion ..... If you don't feel they are helping. Try writing down things. Do it in a letter to those who abused you. Make a list of things you have over come. Weigh them then decide what way you want this to turn out. Take the steps to do that. Good luck .
I'm not saying it will totally leave you, what I'm saying is working though with time will help. Writing it down... then keeping it for awhile or tossing it away really helps. It helped me. Good luck/

Wolf_angel · June 21st, 2011, 08:00 AM

Another wise suggestion from the Wise Irish! Hugs

March 25th, 2010, 07:50 AM	#1
Miss Understood Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 6	long term effects of abuse i have no idea how to put it into text but i will give it a shot i have been abused sexually all my life, since i was 3 up to the point where i left the house at 16 somehow i seemed to be programmed incorrectly because my next relationship was just as abusive, and not only sexually it took me two and a half years just to leave him because i actually made up excuses for the bruises and broken arms, legs, joints, etc. i had already accepted the fact that that was how it was supposed to happen... sadly enough... when he shot me, i left... finally... but the relationship after that one was of a same kind, and my life had changed into one big dip... it took me til the age of 31 to find my current partner and he has finally taken off my blindfold to the world... im actually happy and feel loved... but because of my programming in the past i still have trouble enjoying sweet gestures and loving intercourse... i was wondering if anyone else has had/has this problem and how do you deal with it... my current partner would never hurt me intentionally and still sexually i am so messed up in my head that i can hardly enjoy the sweet tender love making... i feel pretty frustrated about that, but also realize that well, i dont KNOW any better... he is the sweetest about it but still i would love to hear how you change this way of thought... hope someone has a suggestion...

March 25th, 2010, 09:28 AM	#2
crazymomma awesome cookie lady Join Date: May 2003 Location: Leechburgh, PA Posts: 1,993	I wish I could help but, I have yet to find my prince. I still keep finding toads and I think after this one I am with, when I go I have no plans to go back and I do plan to leave. Just It doesn't feel as if that time has come. If you ask some they would tell you that time is long past. I can suggest one thing that has help me to get to this point is find a good counsilor. You sound like a caring person and we all have love to give. If he really treats you well, let him. You have earned it. I'm sure there are a few others who can give you better advice than me. Good luck hon, and don't let the good guy slip away like I did. __________________ It feels like home to me. Bonnie Rhatt

March 25th, 2010, 10:58 AM	#4
Wolf_angel A survivor of chaos Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Where my heart is Posts: 3,147	To rid yourself of excess baggage from the past is to go forth and using that as only a reminder of how strong you are now. To help you. Yes it was negative and could be crippling at one time, now use it to help you grow and focus on the present and future possibilities waiting for you. I know. For again I am dealing with no husband anymore and will forge ahead. Where I will land only the Creator knows. Yet I will trust the Creator and the true friends and family members I have. So I hope this helps. Have a better day today than yesterday! __________________ May you walk in the shadow of the Great Spirit~To help others is a special gift we can either give or take~The more you give the more you receive~

March 25th, 2010, 01:06 PM	#6
Wolf_angel A survivor of chaos Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Where my heart is Posts: 3,147	Well see what kind of resources you have. Look at th library, the newspaper, and etc. Follow any leads that will get you closer to knowing what is best for you and will work out. Hope this helps as it was meant too. Hugs __________________ May you walk in the shadow of the Great Spirit~To help others is a special gift we can either give or take~The more you give the more you receive~

March 26th, 2010, 07:07 PM	#7
crazymomma awesome cookie lady Join Date: May 2003 Location: Leechburgh, PA Posts: 1,993	Wolf angel is right. She has gone throught so much this year and just keeping on going. Thank God you have found someone who is as good to you as he is. Stop borrowing truble and the truth is we have to learn from are mistakes so as not to repeat them. You are lucky. As for a family, if ya stick around here long enough you'll find thast this is like a family. __________________ It feels like home to me. Bonnie Rhatt

March 25th, 2010, 09:36 AM	#3
Miss Understood Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 6	Thanks for the reply... Yeah I found my prince alright, right at the moment I gave up on everything... Fate sure has some good turns around its corner... And I sure as hell am never gonna let him go, but I just wish I could make him happier by letting my past be in the past... I had a psychologist, psychiatrist and counselors but after they hear the whole story, THEY cant deal with it, so I am shipped off to the next... I kind of quit that cuz they never really did me any good... But thanks for the suggestion... I greatly appreciate it...

March 25th, 2010, 12:08 PM	#5
Miss Understood Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 6	Thanks for the reply... I know WHAT to do, I just have no idea how ... I am unfortunately not blessed with family, they have all passed away and the few friends I have left alive try to help as much as they can, but my bagagge always follows me around... But thanks for the suggestion...

March 27th, 2010, 12:04 PM	#8
Wolf_angel A survivor of chaos Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Where my heart is Posts: 3,147	Ditto what Crazymomma said about this being like a family. Many of us have known for years. Hence the chaotic and silly stuff we do with each other. Keeping each other going with all else is falling apart! Best therapy there is I know of. And its all free with lots of love and support. Hugs to all of you! __________________ May you walk in the shadow of the Great Spirit~To help others is a special gift we can either give or take~The more you give the more you receive~

March 28th, 2010, 05:27 PM	#9
Miss Understood Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 6	thanks so much... im working on some of the issues as we speak and am gonna move at the end of the week... i will be back online the week after and see if i can open up a bit in talking about it... thanks again... its nice to be understood...

March 29th, 2010, 10:32 AM	#10
crazymomma awesome cookie lady Join Date: May 2003 Location: Leechburgh, PA Posts: 1,993	Tis the best when you find out you are among friends. Seems I got typo fever this week. Good thing folks here speak typonise. __________________ It feels like home to me. Bonnie Rhatt

April 20th, 2010, 10:50 AM	#11
Lingerie Goddess Member Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: NYC & South Beach Miami Posts: 16	Dear Miss Understood, First I want to say how courageous you are to share this and that I am sorry that you endured so many years of pain. I am happy for you that you have found a loving relationship and I wish you the best. I read a great article about how if "women don't feel safe, they cannot be fully wild" which the word wild means sexual/ sensually open. After all the trauma you experienced, you might want to get group support, cognitive therapy and continue working through all of your history. I took a course in NYC called Mama Genas School of Womanly Arts- which changed my life. There were many survivors of abuse and a fierce community of women who all wanted to feel good inside. Google it-and see if it resonates.

June 20th, 2011, 04:39 AM	#12
WDianneS Member Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 13	I realize this thread is a couple of months old but thought I would throw in my thoughts...... As one who was badly abused through childhood and my teens I thought I had handled all yucky stuff when I left home in my early 20s. My first marriage was a disaster and the second was better but still fizzled out after 13 years. It wasn't until I saw a psychologist in my late 50s that I came to realize how much the abuse had preprogrammed me in a self-defeating way. The psychologist zeroed in pretty quickly on the lingering effects of abuse and helped me to get over them. It wasn't very expensive either. I would have one appointment (an hour), she would root out something, and I would take weeks or months to think about it, make changes, and then go back when/if I felt there was more. I wish I had done it years earlier!

June 20th, 2011, 07:13 AM	#13
Wolf_angel A survivor of chaos Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Where my heart is Posts: 3,147	Good for you WDianneS! Counselling does help! Hugs to all of you! __________________ May you walk in the shadow of the Great Spirit~To help others is a special gift we can either give or take~The more you give the more you receive~

June 20th, 2011, 08:02 PM	#14
IRISH_EYES_99 Member Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: in the state of confusion :) Posts: 3,524	Going back to the old suggestion ..... If you don't feel they are helping. Try writing down things. Do it in a letter to those who abused you. Make a list of things you have over come. Weigh them then decide what way you want this to turn out. Take the steps to do that. Good luck . I'm not saying it will totally leave you, what I'm saying is working though with time will help. Writing it down... then keeping it for awhile or tossing it away really helps. It helped me. Good luck/ __________________ Smiles are contagious. It's ok to pass them on. *

June 21st, 2011, 08:00 AM	#15
Wolf_angel A survivor of chaos Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Where my heart is Posts: 3,147	Another wise suggestion from the Wise Irish! Hugs __________________ May you walk in the shadow of the Great Spirit~To help others is a special gift we can either give or take~The more you give the more you receive~