Parent to Parent Tips & Support

[WA114]

As Red Green would say, "Hang in there. We're all in this together. Keep your stick on the ice." :P

[PoohsBigSister]

ROTFL! Good Advice WA!!
I'll keep ya'll posted on how the week goes!

[brede]

When Pirate was about 10 he started pushing the limits big time. My standard punishment would be to ground him and take away all the power cords and batteries. He was allowed to earn them back one by one. He had to do something for someone else and not just to earn anything back.

The other thing I did was tell him that I am the meanest mom in the whole world because I loved him. I told him that could be good or bad. That I would always be willing to be the scapegoat if his friends were trying to get him to do something questionable. Peer pressure can be awful, but he always had the meanest mom in the world excuse.

I was having trouble fitting the punishment to the deed. So, we would talk about what he did and why it was wrong. Then I would ask him what he thought the punishment should be. He was always too hard on himself, so it allowed me to scale it down and work out the timing.

Pirate is and always has been a quirky kid, so what works for him may not work for your kids.

[PoohsBigSister]

Ok...so reading back about the problem with Chris earlier...I have to tell ya Addie... YOU DID HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD!!! So now, let me update ya'll. Christopher and Lance are having a bit of a power struggle. Chris does something wrong, lance doles out the punishment and I stand firm behind him. Last night, we found STRONG evidence to incriminate Chris is cutting the wicker on an antique rocking chair (lance's of course!) and also damage to a speaker that goes to Lance's stereo. Now, after hearing the kid say "I didn't do anything" about three dozen times when something like this happens (he used a hole punch on my custom blinds earlier this month!!) I told him today when he was sobbing after being punished that I just couldn't believe him this time. It broke my heart to pieces when he walked away from me with his head held up and tears running down his face. Lance and I had words earlier today over the punishment...and I still think that what he did was wrong, but it was already done when I got home from work...and I can't undo it and I won't undermine him in front of the kids...so I am holding my tongue at this point. (He messed up chris' room and ripped up some of his comics and stuff) to me, that just sends the wrong message...sigh. Anyway... my conclusion at this point is that he does NOT like to share me... and.... we are off to counseling. sigh. send me all your positive vibes...cuz I NEED THEM!!!!

(((((((((((ROOMIES))))))))))))))))

[IRISH_EYES_99]

((((((PBS and all ))))))),
PBS Oh Lordy hands full and then some. You got some real good advise around here.
May I suggest one other thing.. time .. Time with Lance and Chris alone doing something they have in common. ( A movie, a restaurant, a game, baseball, football, whatever... and rational talk. ) Addie was right on when she said spend time talking to him..even while being punished..sit and have a dish of ice cream or whatever just a calm down type time.
Others were also right take time to think about the punishment let them know you are thinking..( that worries them too). To me taking everything away at once didn't work. Especially with my son. Staying in did .. he once said to me " why don't you hit me it will be over faster" rofl .
Oh girls always think they are older and wiser than mom. I think it's mandated when they are born. lol

Good luck to all. From experience I can tell you they grow up in spite of it all. This is why Clairol has a market for us.. we keep them and Rogaine in business .. from turning grey and pulling out our hair ..

(((((((((((( major hugs to all )))))))))

[PoohsBigSister]

sigh... my house is a sucky place to be these days...for all of us. The punishment Lance decided to dole out (BEFORE DISCUSSING IT WITH ME)... was to "destroy" some things of Chris' - NOT WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE...but in an effort to present a united front to the kids - I haven't said anything in front of them. I have however told Lance in PRIVATE that I would have liked to have discussed this and that I wouldn't have done it this way. He got mad, said what I had been doing for the past 10 years obviously wasn't working (ok..he's right about that!!) --
anyway...long story short, everyone in our house is sad now. and ... I think that Lance is trying to decide if he wants to stay with us... literally. I'm at a loss...he won't talk to me...just sits and watches everything we do with tears in his eyes... I know this is in the wrong spot...but dang...I just feel SAD.

[Cod]

i'm so hoping the counseling you mentioned will help all of you learn how to handle all of this. your post made me sad too, pbs.

[LiamFan!]

Good thoughts for all of you, {{{{{PBS}}}}}

[IRISH_EYES_99]

(((((((((PBS and family ))))))))))), oh gosh!I am with COD on this. I hope the counseling works out for all.

Sending positive thoughts to each of you. Hope this gets some resolution to it.

(((((( Extra hugs to be used as needed.)))))))))))

[PoohsBigSister]

thanks all...it also helps to be able to come here and "vent" rather than keeping it inside.

what a week!

[MintyFemme2]

(((((((((((((PBS))))))))))) Gosh it sounds like it is hard for your children and Lance to get along. Spending time with each on their own might help. Maybe Lance and Chirs can put back together what the other destroyed together? I don't know what I would do in a similar situation .
Sallvie and Napa had some adjusting but not to much .. probably cause there was a long dating period for Napa and I. I stand behind Napa when she adminsters punishment as well.
Luckily all she has had to do so far was take the t.v. away or tell Sallvie he was on restriction from the front room furniture. We try to make the punishment fit the crime. For example if Sallvie jumps on the furniture he can't sit on it for a day.
Getting counseling sounds like a good idea as well. Please don't misunderstand me on the next suggestion. Maybe you and Lance can go through a parenting class to learn different ways to get through to Chris. I have taken many parenting classes.. some designed especially for Sallvie's needs. It has helped me to understand him better.

[PoohsBigSister]

I couldn't take any well meant suggestion the wrong way. We actually have taken parenting classes, although not together...what we took away from them was very different.

The thing is...I thought we were doing better with the tension..and each time I think that...soemthing happens and it starts all over again.

There is something deeper here that I think I am missing and I am hoping that counseling will bring that out. AND... I have some personal decisions to make about the whole fiasco! grrr.

((((((((((((((((EVERYONE))))))))))))))))))))))

[IRISH_EYES_99]

(((((((((((((PoohsBigSister)))))))))))))))))))))) thought you could use giant hugs.
((((((((((((((((( PBS and family )))))))))))) Hang in there lots of good wishes and prayers heading your way.

[brede]

Hang in there PBS, and I think the counseling is a great idea. I would recommend both family counseling including Lance, and you and Chris going privately. It appears that there could be two problems, one being that you and Chris need to learn how to communicate to each other again. The other including Lance to understand different styles of communication and how best to handle this "new instant family" situation.

And I must admit that having Lance and Chris work together to repair the damage is a good thing to do. When I worked with kids (and adults) who liked to punch holes in the wall, I brought dry wall, tape and mud and taught them how to fix it. After that, if they wanted to punch a hole in the wall, it had to be repaired within 3 hours. That worked for both adults and kids.

Also, not only should the punishment fit the crime, the reward should be appropriate to the good behaviour. I'm really not being critical, but, I would have taken Pirate to a movie for finishing a book report on time. I certainly would not have provided him with a computer. That's a pretty big reward for a fairly small task.

I won't lie and say it gets better very soon. This is when they are just starting to develop a separate identity from their mom and that is a darn difficult thing to do. Most of the rebel-child years are a struggle of letting go and hanging on. Maybe Chris views Lance as a sign of your letting go of him and he's not ready. I don't know who said this above, attention is attention no matter what it takes (good or bad) to get it.

(((((PBS)))))

[PoohsBigSister]

I love you guys. Just so you know... you are my line of sanity right now.

So we had a "discussion" on Friday that included him saying if things didn't "change" he was leaving. and me saying, then you made that decision a while before we had this talk, why would you be willing to throw away 6 1/2 years because of one outburst-- it comes down to this... we are ALL going to counseling..and the only thing I can do is pray it helps.

Today is a brighter day, Chris is writing 1000 times that he will not destroy things that do not belong to him ever again...and Lance has stopped the destructive behavior that was making me begin to fear and not like him. The entire household feels like it's back on a more even keel right now. Let's hope it stays that way for a few days!!

(((((((((((((((EVERYONE))))))))))))))))))))