i'm married and love someone else

[sunglatisha]

Originally Posted by bi34F

This goes out to all the women on here talking about falling in love with men who are married and you are married too..... I am married to a wonderful man and I have been for 15 years. Last year I found that he had topless pics of another woman on his phone and had been texting her for months. She is a friend. I was floored. You guys just dont know what it feels like to be the woman on the other side. You need to stop sneaking around and be real women and let the other woman know what is going on. No matter how hard that may be. Think of how you would feel if it happened to you.

For your information, I have been on the other side before I met my husband. I had a couple ex-boyfriends or, I guess I would call it flings when I think about it, who got together with me and then somehow I found out that they used me to cheat with their girlfriends or one was a spouse. I really felt like lower than dirt when I found out and immediately broke those relationships up. But I guess those are boyfriends, not a husband if that's a different perspective. I haven't gone through the cheating issue with my husband, but when I first met him, I used to be extremely jealous along with him too.
Plus with my former crush at work, I did not make any sexual advances on him! It was just friendly gestures and my thoughts and feelings went out of control to the point that I had to tell him how I felt. I'm glad that drama is over with! I was very rational enough to control those urges and it worked. I am just mutual friends with him and nothing else.
This is a discussion forum where I felt I need to say how I felt with that topic and relate too! Fine if someone wants to judge me and say that I am narrow minded! Technically, no one knows who I am in person and life goes on. Everyone goes through these feeling one way or another whether we want to or not!

[sunglatisha]

Originally Posted by sunglatisha

Hello everyone,

I am new to this discussion forum site and have similar issues as a married woman who loves another man other than my husband. This isn't the first time I have felt that way before. I have been with my husband for 5 years and married for 3 years. I am happy with him because we have learned to grow up with each other and went through many rollar coastal obtacles. We were both 19 and met each other online before meeting in person. He also treats me like a queen, such as spoiling me, helping around the house or I should say appartment, tells me how beautiful and sexy I am, and how much he loves and misses me. I thought once I got married, the temptations of infatuations would go away, but I was wrong there. I worked at a restaurant where there where mostly women and some men working there. I didn't have the desire to look around at other men and very devoted to my husband. Once I quit that job, I found a janitorial job that paid me more than I did at the restaurant job. I get into my new role, and the first person I worked with, I felt infatuated once he started to notice me more by staring at me, joking around, and getting extremely comfortable talking random stuff to me. I kept telling myself that I was going through my crazy hormonal changes before having a monthly, but it kept going on until he quit. Thank god. I try to give myself the reason with the person that I am infatuated with a few things that I would not stand to live with such as using drugs and too much drinking, etc to get me out of that funk and appreciate my husband more. Then another guy comes in a month after me, and at first it was just random friendly gestures of hellos every now and then and random talks. I thought he was a huge punk. Then a month goes by and his random friendly gestures became more frequent than other co-workers around him that he greets. He always smiles at me when we walk by and says hi or what's up or random small talk. I started to notice that more to the point that his gestures were cute and melted my heart and that his small talks to me were more personal like talking about his dark side of his life, etc. Our small talks became more like wanting to know each others personal life and pasts. When I talk to him, he doesn't judge or critizcise me for what I think and I do the exact same thing when he talks about what he feels. We found out we have very similar interests, points of view, and past issues and memories when it came to growing up and dating. I felt so comfortable talking to him about anything I felt was on my mind that I eventually told him that I had a crush on him. I gave myself an excuse to take a break beside him, walk to the parking lot together, follow him to different areas (not stalking him), and park our cars beside each other. I have also flirted with him and he would do it back. I would also give him a compliment, but he wouldn't do that except that I was a funny person. When I told him I had a crush on him, I expected a horrible rejection, but instead he was very sincere and politely had to reject me in that voice tone of that kind that had the indication that he felt the same way about me but have to fight it off with his logical sense that first I am married and it wouldn't work out and second dating a co-worker would feel awkward because it would cause problems. I talked back with logical sense knowing that it wouldn't work out and agreed with dating co-workers issue but needed to get my feeling out and saying if I was single, I would date him. I have also told him that his past ex-girlfriends and ex-fiancee don't understand how lucky they are to have a guy like him and I would be a supportive girlfriend like he wants out of a girl if it were possible. He told he suspected something different about me and knew that I had a crush on him, but he wasn't sure. Then when our shift was over I caught up to him and asked him if I freaked him out and if we can stay good friends regardless of how I feel. He said that I did not freak him out and was cool with how I needed to get that out of my chest and yes we can remain good friends. Plus he gave me a joke of not stalking him, and I joke back that does he believe that I am psycho, and he says well I don't know. I held my tears back when he had to slowly reject me and I was afraid to lose our friendship. I had mixed feeling when I told him I had a crush on him such as sadness, happiness, relief, regret (of my marriage), and disappointment. I longed for that spark of lust, emotional support, being socially outgoing, and having very common interests that somehow diminished when I am with my husband.

My husband is very extremely attached to me and says that he doesn't wonder his eyes around other ladies. He does, but not to have fantasies and what not. When I talk about what is going on in my life like work, he has to make sarcastic remarks or just is silent as a ghost when I tell stories. With the guy I work with, he asks questions and comments to make the conversation more interesting. Plus when I did meet my husband for the first time, we were the most insane and messed up couple ever, such as fighting a lot, and sometimes it got to the extreme of emotional abuse and control that I have threatened to leave him and I would back down because I felt at the time I would never find anybody else and he would charm his way in my heart. It kept going until I bit him in the butt about that issue to the point I had him taste his own medicine, despite my friends' and family's warnings to leave him. Ever since he hasn't done that to me. He also hates to make very many friends like I do. Despite his crazy flaws of sacastic remarks, being anti-social, obsessed with working out, etc., he has also done a lot for me, such as getting me somewhat out of debt, helping me out with the littlest things, and standing up for me if anybody picked on me. He used to get really jealous everytime I talked to a guy and make it seem like I was going to sleep with that guy. When he gets really upset, he has a very bad tantrum which scares me to death, but luckily he has controlled that. His family gets in the way too by causing too much drama over stupid things.

I feel like I am going to burn in hell everytime I love someone else other than my husband and obsess about it. Luckily after reading these posts I am not the only one who has these problems. I learned it was normal to feel that way as long as I don't act upon it (that is how I was raised in a christian family setting) After I told that guy I liked him, he told that I have to get over that feeling, but easier said than done. I have been drowning myself to some drinking and music that relates to how I feel after being rejected and what I am going through. I looked forward to going to work because I get a chance to see that guy everytime and have the same days off. I am also lucky to have my mother listen to me and my problems despite a little judgement. My mother is like my best friend to me. She was surprised and shocked when I told her I love somebody other than my husband, and tells me that part of it is I made my own choices and facing the consequences of getting married younger and went to fast. I was 21 when I married my husband. I wish I didn't rebel against my mother and actually listen to her because now I see what she means now. I have no children. I still long for that guy and want to fulfill his ideal girlfriend to possibly spending the rest of my life with him. I don't have that physical attraction about him as I do with my husband, but it's kinda boring. But at the same of thinking of leaving my husband, and being with that guy I am afraid that I may lose both for one, I wanted to leave my husband, and two, if being with that guy doesn't work out and I am all alone. I am 24 years old and that guy is 28. My husband is also 24.

I'm so glad that drama of loving someone else other than my husband is over. I don't think my former crush is as completely over it as I am quite yet, because he somehow tries to avoid me unless we have to bump into each other. Plus he keeps his feelings to himself which somehow eats him away. He won't admit that to anyone else or myself because somehow guys are not the type to tell about their feelings. Actions really do speak louder than words. Then he tells my friend at work that I was avoiding him and was concerned about me. Yes I did that a couple of times to keep my distance away from him and I got sick of these mind games he was playing. My friend at work wanted me to talk to him again as friends and I agreed to break the awkwardness and prove that I was really over him. Mind games are still there, but I am laughing that off.

[Wolf_angel]

Good for you sunglatisha! Hugs Have a great day!

I worked with my boss for about two years and half. For the past 2 yrs nothing really special going on with me and him until lately. We used to talked about worked all the time, about other co-worker. But lately he start flirting with me , and i didn't realized i started doing the same thing.. then one day he asked me to come to work early so we can talked so we did talked and he tells me how he wish i wasn't married and he wished he wasn't married. The next day he came to my house and we ended up having sex. and now i don't know what to do cause at worked he acts as if nothing happen to us, but for my side i want some explanations about what happen but scared to ask him anything cause i don't want to hear any rejections. it scares me because in my heart i want a relationship with me. What should i do???? HELP!!....

[Wolf_angel]

Well if you are both married, and did this you both have hurt others. He is a creep! For now he has you in that position where he can fire you without revealing what he did. Because if you reveal you hurt two others who are innocent. Perhaps you need counselling. Yet I wouldnt ask, acknowledge or let alone let it happen again with this person. I have too much self respect for myself perhaps but this isnt something I think you planned on happening let alone deal with the ramifications of the after effects. I wish you good luck in dealing with this issue. This was said meant to help. Have a great day!

[Spongebob]

I need an advice too, i am married and i have two lovely kids. I love my family , to make the story short i love my husband my two kids too..... but i dont know why i fall in love with my 52 year old boss...eventhough i always bear in mind that i need to get rid of this feelings because this is forbidden.... i hide and keep it with in my self for more than 2 years...but everytime i see him my feelings get stronger and gradually i deeply fallen in love with him....my actuations in the office is very casual i make sure always that i am not obvious with my feelings so that my co officemate even my boss will not caught me please help me

i think we both have a situation wherein our heart & brain compete on what to decide.. how to decide... & when to decide... some say we should follow our heart but what if that's not the best for everybody especially if you have a kid, that makes it harder to decide... gud luck on your decision..

[Spongebob]

yeah....i need to firmly stand that i am married and blessed with 2 kids... and actually i started to poison my mind that he is not worth for the love and affection I kept for years...last week he gave me a task need to be accomplished... i did it officially... i pray that God send His Holy Spirit to guide me to the right decision.... thanx a lot

[PandyCake2]

Ladies I was in an affair for 12yrs I love my husband dearly, we have been married for 23yrs our love is forever, But we live like brothers and sisters. I have now ask my husband for a divorce I want to be happy I don't regret asking him for a divorce. We discuss our life together we both agreed that we love each other. love is a never ending thing but I need someone to be love me as a woman. Sweetheart take your time let your heart lead you. Don't rush be patient if he loves you your heart will guide you. Good luck

I'm so glad I found this board - I'm going crazy here. I'm 'happily' married for 8 years but recently met and flirted with someone I've known and harbored a crush on for 20+ years! He's 57, I'm 41.

I'm absolutely crazy about him, but he's in no way going to risk my marriage - although he's fine having an affair! I'm just way more into this than he is and that hurts. It doesn't help that when I see him at social functions the women THROW themselves at him and I hate it! I have NO right to be jealous but I am. We have not gotten intimate yet, but probably soon, although I get so mad when he doesn't text me that as much as I want to be with him I kind of want to say 'no' just to see what kind of reaction he gives me....

[sistergirl]

May I ask what your intentions are with your husband? Please be careful and you might want to think really hard before giving yourself to the other man. That will complicate matters in ways you may not even imagine.

[Angus Brown]

Im 6 years married and have 2 children but recently ive fallin in love with someone else, (hes also married unhappily) i still love my husband but not the love u should love ur husband (if that makes any since). Im crying everyday over him we have been texting and meeting each other and told each other that we love one another and i hate sneaking around but i dont want to hurt my husband and children but i cant go on living a lie any more he has said that he will stand by me but can i really believe him? please please help me what should i do?? Its tearing me apart??

[Wolf_angel]

After all the crap my husband has put me thru in recent years I still love him. Yet I have found that love has evolved. Mainly in part to his actions and lies. Now I just want to be happy. But if he isnt happy with me then I will set him free. I know the many ways I love him still want the best for him and etc. But I have set my boundaries and limits. He knows if he wants to have me what he needs to do. Yet the rest of you are in these situations. If you are in love with someone while married, you need to step back from the love you have for another. Realize why you fell in love with the one you are with. Think about the silly funny things he has done for you just because. Now if you cant stay with the one you are married with, then walk away. Give yourself time. The other person who you love or loves you back, maybe an illusion. Take time to heal up and carry yourself before you step into another relationship and possible same scenario down the road. That is all I have to say. Think reflect and decide. Hope this helps as it was meant too.

[celebratingwomen]

I understand that this is a support forum but I have to say that I cannot support any of you thinking about having an affair. If you think your life is complicated now, acting on those feelings will only spiral your life out of control. Don't turn a blind eye to what the rammmifications and conseqences will be for your kids and your husbands. Not just in the short term but also in the long term of their life.

If you are unhappy in your marriage either work on making it better or leave. But why are you expecting so much less of yourself by lying and being deceiptful. Is this who you really want to become?

I want to ask you this. Those intense sexual feelings that you are having about these men, you at some point had with your husbands. Did it last? No. So what makes you think it will last with these men? The reason those feelings dissipated is because you both chose not to make that part of your relationship a priority. When was the last time you texted your husband dirty messages of what you would like to do to him once the kids are in bed. Or left a message on his work voicemail saying that the kids will be set up with a movie once he got home and you will be waiting in the shower for him? If you are craving this in your life than you need to create it with the person you said you would be loyal too.

I would also be interested in knowing how well you communicate with your husbands? Are you able to share when you are unhappy? Are you able to express your expectations? If not, than you will continue to have the same problems with these other relationships if they last. The statistic is 3% of men will marry the woman they have had the affair with. That statistic also does not mean that it lasted.

I have been with my husband for 20 years. Married 10 out of those and we have kids. Let me tell you that even after all that time I have a very active and passionate love life. Are we lucky? Absolutly NOT! It's because we both choose to make it the best marriage ever since we decided to share our life. I have always told my husband that if he ever fell out of love with me and did not want to be with me exclusively, to at least give me the respect in telling me that he wanted out. I would be crushed and devestated but I know eventually I would be able to heal move on. That I can respect. But to be lied to and to sneak around is a cowardly move. I really hope this gave you something to think about before you make a decision that you might regret.

I married my husband in 2004, and I met the"other guy" in 2006 on popular role playing computer game. At first I was having fun flirting with this guy, but after about a month or I so I noticed feelings starting to develop. This other guy said all of the right things, and at the time it seemed as if my husband was saying all of the wrong things. To make a long story short, I had a awkward but beautiful phone relationship with this guy. I finally got over him in the spring 2011, and my husband's and I relationship couldn't be better. Looking back over what went on between me and this other guy, I realized that I was not in love with this guy at all, but I was in love the fantasy of being with him sexually. I had to have him. The lust that I had for this guy, outweighed the love that I had had for my husband. At one point during my emotional affair, I did not want to be involved with my husband intimately, because I actually felt like I was cheating on the other guy. After awhile I got tired of the emotional roller coaster, and I distant myself away from the other guy. I erased his number and blocked his calls. I began to actually look at my husband again, for I was looking at him with my eyes closed for five years, that is when I realized that I could have thrown away a diamond just to be in a relationship, which in my head was the best thing since slice bread, but that's just it, the relationship that I dreamed of having with this other guy was no more than a fantasy. Try to distance yourself away from this guy, and actually look at your husband again, you might just be going through the same thing I went through.