How did you know?

[BethanyGrace]

I know this is kind of a lame question, and i know you've probably answered it 500 times already, but can you answer it just one more time?
How did you know you were a lesbian? Especially if you were mainly in relationships with men previously. I'll try to explain my situation in a nutshell. I was very young when I had my first same sex experience, and loved it from the start. I had a relationship with my best friend when we were teenagers. Had a one night stand with a woman when I was 19, and dated (but never slept with) a woman in my early twenties. That's about it.

Most of my relationships have been with men, and these men have not always been very nice. I tend to end up in relationships that are not good for me. I have been with my current boyfriend for almost 6 years, and it's not really going anywhere. It's certainly not awful, but it's definitely lacking. Sometimes I feel like this is it, I know that I've settled to a degree, but I also know that there's not much better out there when it comes to men. Men lie, they cheat. They manipulate, they yell. I know that women do these things too, but women are at least capable of feeling deep emotions, empathy... and they don't make sex dirty.

I crave closeness. I crave desire, sensuality. I want a deep, solid emotional connection. This is going to sound seriously pathetic, but I somehow discovered something on youtube called "Girls Love Girls", and it's pretty much just really, really hot clips of women kissing...I watched a few of these, and I FELT something. I know that it's all acting, but no man has ever looked at me that way. That's what I want.
Any advice?

[Synful_Poet]

Okay...so for me it was a long time before I even let myself think about it. Okay how about some back ground...

I spent my entire childhood (yes until I was 18) in rural Iowa, the closest town had a pop. of less than 600 people. Homosexuality was never even mentioned in our household, and I mean never. I hadn't even heard the words dyke or lesbian until they were directed at me when I was in seventh grade. You would have thought that might have been a clue, right... wrong.

So life went on, I'd been with my husband for five years before I gave in and married him (pressure from outsiders is a horrible thing, always go with your own instincts).

So life goes on some more, and about four years ago I have this horrible accident at work and my entire life changes overnight. So suddenly I have all this time to just think and I realized I wasn't happy and more importantly why. Long story short... I realized I'd been compartmentalizing my life and how could I really be happy if I wasn't whole. I'd also realized during that time that I'd always thought that women were the more appealing sex... physically, emotionally, intellectually... on every level. All of that was in one of those compartments I never allowed myself time to think about until then.

Now, knowing it and accepting were two different things for me. It took me about nine months to know I was a lesbian but it took me almost another three years to accept it. I know, three years is a long time for denial but I just kept thinking - How can I be a lesbian, I'm married and we have three kids? Wouldn't I have known before now? - Oh but life can be a fickle ***** sometimes.

The thing that actually helped me a lot in the actual accepting... a book. Yep, a book. Married Women Who Love Women helped me understand that 1. I wasn't the only one that had gone through this, 2. It's not uncommon for some women to realize they're lesbian after they've had children, and 3. there are no set of rules and regulations dictating how a lesbian has to live their life.

So, I guess, my point, at least in the last two paragraphs, is that maybe it's not so much that you don't know that you're a lesbian. Maybe it's more a matter of accepting it and figuring where to go from there... or maybe not. Something to think about though.

So there's my story. I've never actually told anybody any of this before (with the exception of my husband) and here I am putting it on the web. LOL How's that for accepting who I am and being comfortable with it. I hope it helps.

And you thought you're post was long.

[BethanyGrace]

Synful Poet,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me, and I'm sorry you had to go through that in 7th grade. Kids can be so cruel.
I agree with you that women are definitely the more appealing sex. I've always considered myself to be bisexual, and I've always felt that it would be impossible to choose just one gender to be attracted to. I remember I explained it to someone once, saying that men are hard. Rough, strong. Men make you feel protected. Women are soft and sweet. Sex with a woman is sharing, and sex with a man is more like taking. I still feel that way to an extent. I like feeling safe, and I don't know that I could feel safe laying in bed with a woman at night. I don't mean to confuse anyone. Believe me, I'm confused. And about the compartmentalizing...I do that too!! It's totally how I have always handled things. I hide things away, and pull them out once in awhile to remind myself that sooner or later, the sh*t's going to hit the fan. I know how unhealthy this is, and think therapy would be a great option...if I had health insurance.
Anyway, I know for a fact that my mother would disown me. My father would be disappointed. My 88 year old grandmother loves my boyfriend, she sends him a check every year on his birthday, and even writes it on the family calender that she sends out to everyone every year. I know that I can't live my life in fear of what other people will think, and that anyone that would "disown me" doesn't deserve to be in my life anyway, but it's hard. I wish I could just know.

[Deepthi]

Dear Grace,

Even am going through the same situations just like u, except that i don't have my mom with me . Rest is the same here... but, no real time experience with girls, but i still feel that girls are the best for me. and the worst case is, am married. uuuhhhhhhhhhhhfffffffffffff.............

[Synful_Poet]

Bethany

I totally get where your coming from with the whole parents thing! When/if I ever come out to my mother (completely devoted to her God and very homophobic), it won't go well at all. I'm sure that will be the last time she ever speaks to me. My dad will be disappointed too, at first, but he'll come around eventually.

So... I have a question for you. I know you've always considered yourself bisexual, so how recently did the contemplation of being a lesbian happen? And if this is a fairly new development; why now, do you think?

LOL Guess that's two questions, oh well.

[BethanyGrace]

I have always thought about being a lesbian. I swore off men in between every relationship I've ever had with one, lol. For some reason, I kept going back. I was 23 when I entered into the relationship I'm in now. Now I am almost 29. This is my longest relationship, and I feel like I've grown a lot in 6 years. I'm lonely, because he is not capable of giving me the emotional connection that I need. I didn't need to connect at the start of our relationship.
So now I'm left wondering exactly what I want and need, and I find myself lost somewhere between the comfort that I have with him, and thoughts of what it would be like to have an actual serious relationship with a woman. Sometimes it's silly things. Like, we could share clothes, and go shopping together...and sometimes it's more serious. Like, we could grow old together. Understand, and love each other unconditionally. You know?

[Synful_Poet]

I absolutely know what your talking about!

It's really difficult when you've been in a relationship for that amount of time. If you leave to find what you think you're missing and you're wrong...you're screwed. If you stay you'll never know if you could have found what's missing.
Damned if you do and damned if you don't!! Why can't life come with a solution manual! (if you have this "problem" see page four) Lol