Priceless!!

[ChockyGirl]

An oldie but a goodie

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

I had to take my son's hamster to the vet.
Here's what happened:

just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell
me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking
stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her,
(in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me.
(Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, d deciding to makethe best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we
going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know.
(I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot
would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be
making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so
cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh,
very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you
privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just the
way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing
this.
"So Ernie's just...just...was...Excited?", my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.

"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she
gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son
back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks
Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...

Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker........Priceless!

[Angel_Wolf]

There is a new virus going around called WORK. If you receive any
sort of WORK, whether via e-mail, internet, or simply handed to you by a
colleague, do not open it.
Those who have opened WORK have found
that their social life is deleted and
their brain ceases to function properly;
If you do encounter WORK via e-mail
or are faced with any WORK at all,
purge the virus by sending an e-mail
to your boss with the words
"This is too much for me, I'm going out for a soda. This better
not be
here when I get back".

Your brain should automatically delete the WORK. If you receive
WORK in paper document form, simply lift the document and drag the
WORK to your trash can.

[Angel_Wolf]

I got this in an email just had to share.

MY MOTHER (IN SOME CASES, FATHER)

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I
just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
into the middle of next week!"

4.My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in
an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry
about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"


10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through
it."

12 My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times.
Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you
out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this
world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
to freeze that way."


19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you
are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come
running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow
up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born
in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about
JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out
just like you!"

[MintyFemme2]

Subject: Man of the House
A man had just finished reading the book "Man Of The House" while
commuting home from work.
By the time he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked
directly up to his wife.
Pointing his finger in her face, he said "From now on I want you
to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law!
You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, I expect you to present a scrumptious dessert.
Then, after dinner, you are going to draw my bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me
and comb my hair?

"The Funeral Director would be my guess," said his wife.

[brede]

That's great. I just sent it to my hubby LOL!

[WA114]

A woman, rather disappointed, went to visit her optician.

"How may I help you, Ma'am?" he asked.

"I am returning these prescription eyeglasses you made for my husband," she replied.

"What seems to be the problem with them?"

"They don't work at all."

"Hmmm... I double checked the refraction myself to make sure the lenses are right. I adjusted the frames to ensure a comfortable fit..."

The irritated woman interjected, "No, no. They don't work at all! My husband still doesn't see things my way!"

[jkearns4949]

All funny jokes! Please post more.

[Elusive Unicorn]

Omg just read this stuff it is soo funny.

[Jennifer23]

Uni, are you talking about "Women are different"? I couldn't get in.

[Elusive Unicorn]

No I didn't try to get in. I was taking about what everyone wrote. LOL too funny, I love the one about work and the hamster one OMG Rofl.

[peterr77]

All funny jokes! jaja