How can I crosscheck myself

[Deepthi]

Dear Friends, am Deepthi and am new to this site. I need a suggestion or help from all of you.

Firstly, i would tell you what exactly is that am facing ----

Actually, Am going through a confused state whether am a lesbian or not. I have gone through many online quizzes and finally ended up with a result mostly as "bi-sexual".

But, what exactly i feel deep down my heart is that I need a partner with whom I can share everything, my past, my future and I don't mind if its a girl or a boy as long as I am comfortable and happy, and in love with them. Coming to the part "making love", I feel as long as you are in love with your partner, this won't be tough if its a guy or a girl.

And now the exact problem is - I am currently married and I don't feel connected to him. Its an arranged marriage and though He is good, he doesn't smoke or drink, he's got a really good job etc. etc. am not able to connect emotionally with him. I don't feel like sharing anything with him and we just behave like 2 roommates in a hostel room. He is a very introvert kind of person and he doesn't have any friends and was very possessive and I had problems with his parents (they asked to change my lifestyle and reduce speaking to friends etc - I hope you can understand what a typical Indian house wife goes through) which is not getting into my system and am not able to digest.

I had my friends in girls, but never had any girl friend or such thing, I feel drawn to a girl and I find them attractive, and I get impressed by their personality, and I feel I can connect to them easily. Even I find guys attractive. I even imagine having a intimate relationship with a girl and am happy with the thought and the same way, I feel comfortable thinking about a boy.

So, Please tell me - Is it because of my husband's behavior - Am feeling that I like girls and is it because I am a lesbian am feeling it.

I am very confused and please help me and suggest me how to get to a conclusion.

One small example about my psychological condition right now :

1. When I watch the movie " I can't think straight " - I feel I am lesbian and
2. When I watch some other straight movie like "pretty woman", I feel I like boys.

This is what exactly is happening to me... and because of this... am not able to concentrate on my job/work also.

Please help me to come out of this.

Thank you all in advance.

- and sorry for such a confused post...

[Blue16]

Deepthie,
I understand your confusion. The way I have worked it out to myself is this. I do not need a label. I know who I am and not what I am. That has allowed me to forgive myself and understand why I could not love my husband and how I can love my girlfriend. It is about what pleases me and brings me comfort and happiness. To me they are individuals, not just their gender. I am grateful for the love I have had with both but for for the depth with my girlfriend. It is her as a person an the connection we have, that makes me who I am. So I don't need a label or a classification to find my happiness. Hope this helps.

[Deepthi]

Dear Ms Blue,

Thank you very much for the reply. I understood what you wanted to tell me... and my situation is as below.

1. I don't have an girl friend - never had - but i feel i love girls
2. Is it because am not comfortable with my husband that am getting these feelings or is it that i like girls so, am not comfortable with him.
3. Biggest trouble is this one - am in India.

Sorry if am troubling you, but, what you said was absolutely right - we need to be with the right person to be loved and to love.

Thank you once again.

[Synful_Poet]

Deepthi, I am so sorry that you're going through this alone (basically). I'm not sure how much I can help you with your situation. See I'm rather liberal myself and I personally would never allow anyone to dictate how much time I spent with friends. I know without friends it can be emotionally crippling and very lonely. Everyone needs friends outside the family unit alot of times just to help you cope with said family unit (because we all know how frustrating that can be). I would enjoy getting to know you more and I'd be more then happy to be your friend.

I know that's not a solution to your problem and I apologize for that. Unfortunately I don't know much about the Indian culture. The best I can tell you is to make yourself happy and not to worry about what others think. If others can't accept you for who you are then they aren't worth wasting your energy on.

Hope things get better for you.

[Jennifer23]

Deepthi, I had a Philosophy professor that said "Truth is whatever works for you". Find your own truth.

[Blue16]

It is never a bother! That what this forum is all about. The power of one is The sum of its parts and collectively the voices on this site may help you find your power. Now, I understand that things in your life and world may constrict you of feeling what you think you feel. If you feel you are attracted to women, then you probably are. I personally feel that you need to address the things that don't make you feel happy before you seek out the things that you think might. It sounds like you don't feel happy in your marriage. You can make a decision to make it try to work or let it go. I understand that may seem easier said than done. There may be cultural restrictions surrounding that. But you need to find your inner resolve before you decide what sexuality you are. It doesn't seem to be to be about who your with girl or guy, but what kind of peice of mind you have as a person and who is right to share. That with. It may be a very valid reason why you don't have happiness with your husband. But make sure you are true to yourself and it is not an excuse for the bad relationship. Make sure you are solid and whole before you venture into finding what attracts you. There is so much more to it than the attraction. You need to be honest with yourself and find out what pleases you. But your immediate decisions are regarding how to change what isnt making you happy and how to change them. Good luck. Keep me posted .

[BethanyGrace]

Dearest Deepthi,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I have learned a little about the cultural difference between Indian women and American women, and I undrstand this decision must be difficult as well as painful for you.
My advice would be to have an experience with a woman, even though I'm sure this is considered taboo and forbidden. Is there any way you could sneak away? See if you can befriend a woman with similar interests, and see where it leads...see if you feel anything. Just please, make sure to keep yourself safe.
Best of luck to you

[Deepthi]

Dear Blue, Poet, Jennifer and Grace,

thank you very much for understanding my problem.

Tears rolled down reading your replys. Finally, i got to meet people with whom i could share things which i thought would die along with me.

But, its little more complicated than you people are getting to it or maybe am thinking that way. (Am confused - even with this -plz dont laugh at me). what ever decision i take would impact my family(my dad and my brother - one funny thing is... when i typed "my family", i didnt even remember to list my husband's name, this is my current mental status. I am not able to get him into my system.). That's bothering me because i can't live with someone like this acting my whole life.

Actually, i tried many times to think positively and try liking my husband, but end of the day, i feel some connection missing.

Sorry if am boring.

hmmmmmmmmmm.................... anyways sorry to trouble you even after you people gave me good suggestions. I know i have to act and am not able to. i always think am a failure in life. and am used to it. so i don't feel bad for it.

thanks to all of you
have a great day...
Take care

[Synful_Poet]

You are not boring or a bother. Everyone needs someone to talk to and vent their frustrations to. Please don't think you're a failure at life. To fail at life, is to give up. Please don't give up. Sometimes we just have to make the best of the life we have until we find the answers to make it better. I know this is easier said then done. Believe me, I used to feel my life was in failure mode too. But I realized that there are just somethings I cannot change; who I am, for one and my current situation, for another. Everyday I look for a way to change my current situation and I'll keep looking. Hopeful someday I'll even find it, and hopefully you will too.

I hope you have a great day! Now the ladies on this site are really big on hugging. So I send to you a virtual hug just because I think you could use one. (((((Deepthi)))))

[Jennifer23]

Deepthi, listen to Syn because she's right. Everyone in the world has problems. The hard thing is carrying on with your life while dealing with those problems. I guess we all just have to be thankful for each day we are given by God. And to keep trying.