Loss of my marriage

February 8th, 2011, 01:18 PM

I was always certain, that despite our problems my husband would never cheat on me. He was may things but never unfaithful. So, after 24 years together I got the shock of my life to find text messages on his phone to and from another woman. They were messages that reeked of new love. I knew something was up but told myself he was still getting over the loss of his brother and had not quite been the same. He hadn't touched me in weeks - when he ahd ways been an affectionate person. He was only ever happing talking about the new sort he had joined he totally disregarded me and the kids. He was moody, he'd walk around with his ipod headphones on and had really disenaged from us. I still didn't think though it would be another woman. The thing that hurts the most is that he can no longer love me but he can love her. I wonder what is so wrong with me. I dedicated my whole life to our family. I supported him through his depression, through the loss of his parents and brother. I fell like he chose her because I was not good enough. I did not fit in with this new sport he became fanatical about, whereas she did. She is everything that I am not and I am pretty sure that if I had become involved with the sport I wouldn't be sitting here now. I feel like such a fool and loser. I have never been with abother man. And here I am 40 and I will be alone. Our kids are nearly ready to leave home. All the plans we made about travelling and enjoying empty nest time are gone. I will be alone. I put my heart and sole into our family and I don't think I can go through that again with someone else. I have read all of the article about husbands cheating and they all say that I will recover eventually but the pain now is just ripping my insides out and it certainly doesn't feel like I will recover. I have a relativley new job with huge responsibilities and if I don't do that properly a lot of people will suffer. And then ther are our kids. We haven't told them yet. I only found the texts 2 days ago. We are going to tell them tonight. And then there are the practicalities how do we split our money uo, sell the house pay our joint bills?? I don't know how this goes and I don't know if I can cope. I will have a brave face for my kids and job but I will feel that burbing inside for a very long time.

cassandra · February 8th, 2011, 03:03 PM

Mary ..take a deep breath ..you will survive.

Losing your husband like this after so many years is just as traumatic as a death and in some ways even worse.
No one can wave a magic wand and make the pain go away but it will get better in time.
A friend went through this quite recently and she is now back in night school and working she is a stronger more confident and independant woman than ever before.

For now try to keep things civil, even though you might want to push him under a bus it wont really help!

Make sure you have good legal advice do not sign or agree to anything without consulting a lawyer first.
If you can get an amicable split great but these things often turn nasty and if you are not prepared it can knock the wind out of your sails.

Most of all take time for yourself dont be rushed dont let anyone push you around, you didnt ask for this and you deserve a little consideration.

Good luck and big hugs
Cassie

julie · February 12th, 2011, 04:04 PM

I'm in a similar position- my husband recently told me that he had a 3 year long affair which he ended last summer. He "fell in love with me"-after 27 year marriage which wasn't all too good and doesn't see any problem with going on as if nothing happened. Our youngest is 3... and I don't want to divorce, but I don't feel anything for him-but a lack of trust and a feeling of despair with all the comparisons to an "imaginary"woman- imaginary to me, at least.
But, as I said, he's in love and being a wonderful husband and father which he never was before. I'm just going on and on- with no real feelings . Like I've lost touch with myself and have no idea what I feel.

mst · June 24th, 2011, 02:58 PM

I suppose grief is itself a medicine which takes time to heal and the grief felt through a broken relationship can be far worse than that of losing a loved one, you grieve their loss but with a broken relationship you also grieve your mistakes and broken trust. I have known many married men, I even know a few happily married men, but I don't know one who wouldn't fall down the first open drain cover running after the first pretty girl who gave him a wink. Time is the greatest healer of all and it is said that it is the wisest counsellor of all...

IRISH_EYES_99 · June 25th, 2011, 01:49 PM

Hope you are getting some help. Talking it over with someone who listens. 24 yrs of marriage & finding out he's been cheating, that has got to do something to you emotionally, physically as well. Sincerely hope that you find yourself again. Take the time to reafirm who you are, and it's ok to grieve the death of a marriage... then try & move on from it. Good luck.

sistergirl · June 25th, 2011, 08:05 PM

well put mst!

freshstart · July 12th, 2011, 09:20 PM

Mary and Julie
I am in a very similar situation. After 31 years of marriage, children grown and we reached a stage where our responsibilities are less, my husband decided he was ready for a more exciting life with a much younger woman. I am devastated. We had a good marriage for years, (I thought we did). I have moved out of the home I was in for 25 years and I am now in a small apartment, facing a divorce. I am 52 and know that I will not be ready for a new relationship until I spend time getting to know myself. i have been with the same man for 31 years and realize I have lived life on his terms and have forgotten the woman I am. The pain is immense and I cry and cry. It is hard to stay focused at my challenging job yet I kinow I am going to come out the other side with more happiness and strength.
I send you positive thoughts and best wishes. Know that you are not alone and others care about you. This website has turned out to be a very good thing for me to find. 'Everyone is so kind and when I read the posts, I can feel the love and concern for each other.
thank you for sharing your story so that I could find the courage to share mine

mst · July 13th, 2011, 11:32 AM

Freshstart, love can be so cruel but time can be a great healer, it is hard but it will become a memory and just think of the freedom that lies ahead and yes you can discover you. I know it looks so different but let time do it's work and you will feel good once again probably better than you could ever imagine. Take care and think of what exciting things lie ahead...

July 13th, 2011, 04:06 PM

Sounds like my story too. Is there an epidemic affecting men atm. After 25 years of happy marriage, I suddenly discover he has an affair starting. Despite 6 months of tears, begging, threatening, doing everything i can think of to make him even try to stop to see if we can continue the marriage, he is in up to his eyeballs. I totally empathise with anyone in the same situation. It is the most harrowing, painful and destroying thing that can happen to a person and i don't think the betraying spouse has any idea of how bad it affects the other person. However, i have now found out just how bad my husband has been, the things he has said, his disrespect for me and it has made me dislike him so much, I actually feel better! I can see i will be better off without him and i pray you will soon get to this stage as it make everything so much easier.

sistergirl · July 14th, 2011, 02:08 PM

The best of luck to you women who are caught up in such a disloyal situation.

IRISH_EYES_99 · July 15th, 2011, 11:21 PM

Before you sign off on anything make sure you know your rights. Talk to a lawyer, Find a Womens Group in your area, bet they can help put you in the rt direction.

A cheater is a cheater not your fault. Talk to a therapist, make a list of pros / cons/
make sure you have $ and important papers put in a safe place. Don't let them get the upper hand.. put yourself first. It's time for you. Don't blame yourself.

February 8th, 2011, 01:18 PM	#1
Mary101 Guest Posts: n/a	Loss of my marriage I was always certain, that despite our problems my husband would never cheat on me. He was may things but never unfaithful. So, after 24 years together I got the shock of my life to find text messages on his phone to and from another woman. They were messages that reeked of new love. I knew something was up but told myself he was still getting over the loss of his brother and had not quite been the same. He hadn't touched me in weeks - when he ahd ways been an affectionate person. He was only ever happing talking about the new sort he had joined he totally disregarded me and the kids. He was moody, he'd walk around with his ipod headphones on and had really disenaged from us. I still didn't think though it would be another woman. The thing that hurts the most is that he can no longer love me but he can love her. I wonder what is so wrong with me. I dedicated my whole life to our family. I supported him through his depression, through the loss of his parents and brother. I fell like he chose her because I was not good enough. I did not fit in with this new sport he became fanatical about, whereas she did. She is everything that I am not and I am pretty sure that if I had become involved with the sport I wouldn't be sitting here now. I feel like such a fool and loser. I have never been with abother man. And here I am 40 and I will be alone. Our kids are nearly ready to leave home. All the plans we made about travelling and enjoying empty nest time are gone. I will be alone. I put my heart and sole into our family and I don't think I can go through that again with someone else. I have read all of the article about husbands cheating and they all say that I will recover eventually but the pain now is just ripping my insides out and it certainly doesn't feel like I will recover. I have a relativley new job with huge responsibilities and if I don't do that properly a lot of people will suffer. And then ther are our kids. We haven't told them yet. I only found the texts 2 days ago. We are going to tell them tonight. And then there are the practicalities how do we split our money uo, sell the house pay our joint bills?? I don't know how this goes and I don't know if I can cope. I will have a brave face for my kids and job but I will feel that burbing inside for a very long time.

June 25th, 2011, 01:49 PM	#5
IRISH_EYES_99 Member Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: in the state of confusion :) Posts: 3,524	Hope you are getting some help. Talking it over with someone who listens. 24 yrs of marriage & finding out he's been cheating, that has got to do something to you emotionally, physically as well. Sincerely hope that you find yourself again. Take the time to reafirm who you are, and it's ok to grieve the death of a marriage... then try & move on from it. Good luck. __________________ Smiles are contagious. It's ok to pass them on. *

July 15th, 2011, 11:21 PM	#11
IRISH_EYES_99 Member Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: in the state of confusion :) Posts: 3,524	Before you sign off on anything make sure you know your rights. Talk to a lawyer, Find a Womens Group in your area, bet they can help put you in the rt direction. A cheater is a cheater not your fault. Talk to a therapist, make a list of pros / cons/ make sure you have $ and important papers put in a safe place. Don't let them get the upper hand.. put yourself first. It's time for you. Don't blame yourself. __________________ Smiles are contagious. It's ok to pass them on. *

February 8th, 2011, 03:03 PM	#2
cassandra Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 18	Mary ..take a deep breath ..you will survive. Losing your husband like this after so many years is just as traumatic as a death and in some ways even worse. No one can wave a magic wand and make the pain go away but it will get better in time. A friend went through this quite recently and she is now back in night school and working she is a stronger more confident and independant woman than ever before. For now try to keep things civil, even though you might want to push him under a bus it wont really help! Make sure you have good legal advice do not sign or agree to anything without consulting a lawyer first. If you can get an amicable split great but these things often turn nasty and if you are not prepared it can knock the wind out of your sails. Most of all take time for yourself dont be rushed dont let anyone push you around, you didnt ask for this and you deserve a little consideration. Good luck and big hugs Cassie

February 12th, 2011, 04:04 PM	#3
julie julie Join Date: Dec 2009 Posts: 6	I'm in a similar position- my husband recently told me that he had a 3 year long affair which he ended last summer. He "fell in love with me"-after 27 year marriage which wasn't all too good and doesn't see any problem with going on as if nothing happened. Our youngest is 3... and I don't want to divorce, but I don't feel anything for him-but a lack of trust and a feeling of despair with all the comparisons to an "imaginary"woman- imaginary to me, at least. But, as I said, he's in love and being a wonderful husband and father which he never was before. I'm just going on and on- with no real feelings . Like I've lost touch with myself and have no idea what I feel.

June 24th, 2011, 02:58 PM	#4
mst Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: United Kingdom Posts: 11	I suppose grief is itself a medicine which takes time to heal and the grief felt through a broken relationship can be far worse than that of losing a loved one, you grieve their loss but with a broken relationship you also grieve your mistakes and broken trust. I have known many married men, I even know a few happily married men, but I don't know one who wouldn't fall down the first open drain cover running after the first pretty girl who gave him a wink. Time is the greatest healer of all and it is said that it is the wisest counsellor of all...

June 25th, 2011, 08:05 PM	#6
sistergirl Member Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 648	well put mst!

July 12th, 2011, 09:20 PM	#7
freshstart Freshstart Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: in transition Posts: 4	Mary and Julie I am in a very similar situation. After 31 years of marriage, children grown and we reached a stage where our responsibilities are less, my husband decided he was ready for a more exciting life with a much younger woman. I am devastated. We had a good marriage for years, (I thought we did). I have moved out of the home I was in for 25 years and I am now in a small apartment, facing a divorce. I am 52 and know that I will not be ready for a new relationship until I spend time getting to know myself. i have been with the same man for 31 years and realize I have lived life on his terms and have forgotten the woman I am. The pain is immense and I cry and cry. It is hard to stay focused at my challenging job yet I kinow I am going to come out the other side with more happiness and strength. I send you positive thoughts and best wishes. Know that you are not alone and others care about you. This website has turned out to be a very good thing for me to find. 'Everyone is so kind and when I read the posts, I can feel the love and concern for each other. thank you for sharing your story so that I could find the courage to share mine

July 13th, 2011, 11:32 AM	#8
mst Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: United Kingdom Posts: 11	Freshstart, love can be so cruel but time can be a great healer, it is hard but it will become a memory and just think of the freedom that lies ahead and yes you can discover you. I know it looks so different but let time do it's work and you will feel good once again probably better than you could ever imagine. Take care and think of what exciting things lie ahead...

July 13th, 2011, 04:06 PM	#9
iwillsurvive Guest Posts: n/a	Sounds like my story too. Is there an epidemic affecting men atm. After 25 years of happy marriage, I suddenly discover he has an affair starting. Despite 6 months of tears, begging, threatening, doing everything i can think of to make him even try to stop to see if we can continue the marriage, he is in up to his eyeballs. I totally empathise with anyone in the same situation. It is the most harrowing, painful and destroying thing that can happen to a person and i don't think the betraying spouse has any idea of how bad it affects the other person. However, i have now found out just how bad my husband has been, the things he has said, his disrespect for me and it has made me dislike him so much, I actually feel better! I can see i will be better off without him and i pray you will soon get to this stage as it make everything so much easier.

July 14th, 2011, 02:08 PM	#10
sistergirl Member Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 648	The best of luck to you women who are caught up in such a disloyal situation.