Missing my friend

Michelle0607 · April 17th, 2005, 02:02 AM

Sometime toward the end of November, this guy that I have worked with for five years asks me out to dinner. Now, like I said, we have worked together, but are now in differnt departements, which is perfectly ok. What makes this interesting is that we have had some confilcts, so I was shocked that he asked.
At the end of the dinner, I am told "I like you and want to continue hanging out with you, but I'm not into the 'relationship thing'." So we hung out a few times. Now, he has a nine-year-old daughter that he sees every other weekend, so I've always been very careful not to have any contact with him while he is with her. Like I said, we have had conflicts, and I was perfectly content with just working on a friendship with him.
Things were going pretty well. I was treating him like I do any of my friends. Not agressive, not pushing anything. Then, about a month ago, he turned 30 the same week that one of his friends died. Yes, he was struggling with the fact that he was turning 30. The reason I state that those two events occurred is because since then, he's been distant. I don't know if those two events have anything to do with the distance, but it's part of the time frame.
I have decided that if he cannot confide in me what is bothering him, that I cannot push him. So I've backed off. This is painful for me because we were becoming good friends. And I miss my friend. But I think in order to keep my sanity, I have to keep my distance. What do you think?

Cod · April 17th, 2005, 10:30 AM

Give him space. Losing a friend at that age is devastating. Somehow continue to let him know you are there and if he values your friendship he will eventually get back to the way it used to be. Maybe he just needs some time to himself. Hope you get your friend back.

crazymomma · April 17th, 2005, 12:52 PM

Hon, keep your chin up. I'm a card freak and feel they can some times say what I can't. Go find a card that will let him know he is on your mind. Let him nknow your there for him if and when he wants to talk. He will in his own time, just like Cod said. Good luck.

IRISH_EYES_99 · April 17th, 2005, 10:37 PM

Good luck I agree with Cod on this one. There are times to step back and wait. This is one of them.
Such a tramatic loss.Along with the grief from losing his friend he is feeling his own vulnerability.
I too hope you get your friend back.

jkearns4949 · April 22nd, 2005, 11:16 AM

Do you want a relationship with this man? If so, it sounds like to me you are losing him. Are you suppose to wait for him to come around? The best relationships are based on taking risks. You will never know what it could have been without trying to get close to this guy.

Cod · April 22nd, 2005, 12:48 PM

That's why our suggestions were that she let him know she is there and cares. You can't force a relationship, not one that will last anyway.

crazymomma · April 22nd, 2005, 03:48 PM

Cod is right. However, in the end what ever you do is up to you. We have given you some good advice but only you can deside in the end what to do. Let us know how this works out. I for one wouldn't want to change the fact that some of my male friends have been just that friends, and nothing more. If something more s meant to be it will happen. But you can't force it if you want to keep it.

Michelle0607 · April 23rd, 2005, 07:24 PM

Thank you guys for all of the advise. I thought I would give you an update as to how things are going.

We were able to talk at work for a few minutes the other day. But that has been the only time we have talked. See, where I am confused is that we were going out every other weekend. The weekends when he had his daughter, he would call me after he dropped her off with her mom to chat for a minute. But all that is gone. The only time we talk is when we are at work.

I can tell you that he ended up dropping one of his classes this semester (he's working on his Masters') and he told me he is currently looking for another job.

Do I want more out of this relationship? I'm not sure. See, he is the kind of guy I can see myself with in the long run. But to me, it was just an adventure learning about him and telling him about me. See, we have had our differences, so I thought is was interesting getting to know someone that I previously did not like. Make sense? I just hate that we don't hang out any more. I guess right now I'll just wait til classes end in about 3 weeks to see if things change.

Cod · April 23rd, 2005, 07:38 PM

Yes that makes sense. It sounds like neither of you is sure of where you want this to go. Sounds mature to me. Thanks for stopping back Michelle.

January 21st, 2012, 04:33 AM

Uh, I'm new. I'm not missing a friend as much as all of them. I guess I am just going to go for it. Okay. Well. I've never been a likable person--well, that's what people tell me. I don't really fit in. I'm weird and haven't found anyone share my sense of humor. I've never understood why people don't like me. I'm not cruel and I don't indulge in spreading gossip and what not. I just have a hard time talking to people, and I always have. I'm 18, in college and I don't have any friends. I've tried talking to people, but I make them uncomfortable. I know I do. I've also suffered from depression for the last 3 years. I haven't told anyone, and I guess I am just looking for someone to confide in. There was a person that I did consider a friend die recently. He hung himself. It was really out of no where, but that's a different story. I feel lonely and like I want to scream because everything is building up. I don't have a good relationship with my family really. I had a dog once. He died a couple years ago. He was 13 and my best friend. Sorry for digressing. Basically I am just here to ask if there is anyone that will talk to me. Just listen to my problems, and I am a great listener if you have any you would like to share. Anyway, thank you to all of those that made it to the end.

Wolf_angel · January 21st, 2012, 09:26 AM

We are all here and we do listen as well as help in any way we can. What you need is just to practice talking. Doing light subjects like the weather and such would help.

Michelle0607 · January 21st, 2012, 03:04 PM

Hello,

I posted the original thread waaaaaay up at the top. You know what is strange? I don't even remember all of that happening. I guess since it's been nine years, I'm allowed to forget some things.

Anyway, I'm posting to reply to the person who stated that s/he didn't have any friends. I'm just here to tell you that everything does get better. I was always the person in school who had only a couple of friends; I was picked on and actually hated going to school. Things got a little better when I went to college, but I was still incredibly shy and didn't really hang out with anyone.

I eventually got a job with people my own age who went out a lot and they began to include me when the went out. I slowly but surely went out with them occasionally. So that helped.

Somewhere in my late 20's, I started to really get to know myself. What I liked, what I wanted to do with my life and what I stood for. I eventually went back to college, got my degree, and am now teaching elementary school. I'm also working on my Master's degree. I have great coworkers who love me for me, and I love them for them. Others even joke that we are the Three Musketeers.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... "Hang in there." You're still trying to figure out who you are. Be yourself. Do what you like to do, not what others like to do. By doing this... you will eventually make friends with people who enjoy the same things you enjoy. I promise, you will eventually come across people who like you for you.

maddiemondie · July 17th, 2012, 11:51 PM

Yeah I know hot it feels when you lose someone.

April 17th, 2005, 02:02 AM	#1
Michelle0607 Member Join Date: Jul 2003 Posts: 8	Missing my friend Sometime toward the end of November, this guy that I have worked with for five years asks me out to dinner. Now, like I said, we have worked together, but are now in differnt departements, which is perfectly ok. What makes this interesting is that we have had some confilcts, so I was shocked that he asked. At the end of the dinner, I am told "I like you and want to continue hanging out with you, but I'm not into the 'relationship thing'." So we hung out a few times. Now, he has a nine-year-old daughter that he sees every other weekend, so I've always been very careful not to have any contact with him while he is with her. Like I said, we have had conflicts, and I was perfectly content with just working on a friendship with him. Things were going pretty well. I was treating him like I do any of my friends. Not agressive, not pushing anything. Then, about a month ago, he turned 30 the same week that one of his friends died. Yes, he was struggling with the fact that he was turning 30. The reason I state that those two events occurred is because since then, he's been distant. I don't know if those two events have anything to do with the distance, but it's part of the time frame. I have decided that if he cannot confide in me what is bothering him, that I cannot push him. So I've backed off. This is painful for me because we were becoming good friends. And I miss my friend. But I think in order to keep my sanity, I have to keep my distance. What do you think?

April 17th, 2005, 12:52 PM	#3
crazymomma awesome cookie lady Join Date: May 2003 Location: Leechburgh, PA Posts: 1,993	Hon, keep your chin up. I'm a card freak and feel they can some times say what I can't. Go find a card that will let him know he is on your mind. Let him nknow your there for him if and when he wants to talk. He will in his own time, just like Cod said. Good luck. __________________ It feels like home to me. Bonnie Rhatt

April 17th, 2005, 10:37 PM	#4
IRISH_EYES_99 Member Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: in the state of confusion :) Posts: 3,524	Good luck I agree with Cod on this one. There are times to step back and wait. This is one of them. Such a tramatic loss.Along with the grief from losing his friend he is feeling his own vulnerability. I too hope you get your friend back. __________________ Smiles are contagious. It's ok to pass them on. *

April 22nd, 2005, 03:48 PM	#7
crazymomma awesome cookie lady Join Date: May 2003 Location: Leechburgh, PA Posts: 1,993	Cod is right. However, in the end what ever you do is up to you. We have given you some good advice but only you can deside in the end what to do. Let us know how this works out. I for one wouldn't want to change the fact that some of my male friends have been just that friends, and nothing more. If something more s meant to be it will happen. But you can't force it if you want to keep it. __________________ It feels like home to me. Bonnie Rhatt

April 23rd, 2005, 07:24 PM	#8
Michelle0607 Member Join Date: Jul 2003 Posts: 8	Clarification Thank you guys for all of the advise. I thought I would give you an update as to how things are going. We were able to talk at work for a few minutes the other day. But that has been the only time we have talked. See, where I am confused is that we were going out every other weekend. The weekends when he had his daughter, he would call me after he dropped her off with her mom to chat for a minute. But all that is gone. The only time we talk is when we are at work. I can tell you that he ended up dropping one of his classes this semester (he's working on his Masters') and he told me he is currently looking for another job. Do I want more out of this relationship? I'm not sure. See, he is the kind of guy I can see myself with in the long run. But to me, it was just an adventure learning about him and telling him about me. See, we have had our differences, so I thought is was interesting getting to know someone that I previously did not like. Make sense? I just hate that we don't hang out any more. I guess right now I'll just wait til classes end in about 3 weeks to see if things change.

April 17th, 2005, 10:30 AM	#2
Cod Hooked on The OC! Join Date: Mar 2001 Posts: 1,252	Give him space. Losing a friend at that age is devastating. Somehow continue to let him know you are there and if he values your friendship he will eventually get back to the way it used to be. Maybe he just needs some time to himself. Hope you get your friend back.

April 22nd, 2005, 11:16 AM	#5
jkearns4949 Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: DE Posts: 38	Do you want a relationship with this man? If so, it sounds like to me you are losing him. Are you suppose to wait for him to come around? The best relationships are based on taking risks. You will never know what it could have been without trying to get close to this guy.

April 22nd, 2005, 12:48 PM	#6
Cod Hooked on The OC! Join Date: Mar 2001 Posts: 1,252	That's why our suggestions were that she let him know she is there and cares. You can't force a relationship, not one that will last anyway.

April 23rd, 2005, 07:38 PM	#9
Cod Hooked on The OC! Join Date: Mar 2001 Posts: 1,252	Yes that makes sense. It sounds like neither of you is sure of where you want this to go. Sounds mature to me. Thanks for stopping back Michelle.

January 21st, 2012, 04:33 AM	#10
InNeedOfFriend Guest Posts: n/a	Uh, I'm new. I'm not missing a friend as much as all of them. I guess I am just going to go for it. Okay. Well. I've never been a likable person--well, that's what people tell me. I don't really fit in. I'm weird and haven't found anyone share my sense of humor. I've never understood why people don't like me. I'm not cruel and I don't indulge in spreading gossip and what not. I just have a hard time talking to people, and I always have. I'm 18, in college and I don't have any friends. I've tried talking to people, but I make them uncomfortable. I know I do. I've also suffered from depression for the last 3 years. I haven't told anyone, and I guess I am just looking for someone to confide in. There was a person that I did consider a friend die recently. He hung himself. It was really out of no where, but that's a different story. I feel lonely and like I want to scream because everything is building up. I don't have a good relationship with my family really. I had a dog once. He died a couple years ago. He was 13 and my best friend. Sorry for digressing. Basically I am just here to ask if there is anyone that will talk to me. Just listen to my problems, and I am a great listener if you have any you would like to share. Anyway, thank you to all of those that made it to the end.

January 21st, 2012, 09:26 AM	#11
Wolf_angel A survivor of chaos Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Where my heart is Posts: 3,147	We are all here and we do listen as well as help in any way we can. What you need is just to practice talking. Doing light subjects like the weather and such would help. __________________ May you walk in the shadow of the Great Spirit~To help others is a special gift we can either give or take~The more you give the more you receive~

January 21st, 2012, 03:04 PM	#12
Michelle0607 Member Join Date: Jul 2003 Posts: 8	My, how times have changed Hello, I posted the original thread waaaaaay up at the top. You know what is strange? I don't even remember all of that happening. I guess since it's been nine years, I'm allowed to forget some things. Anyway, I'm posting to reply to the person who stated that s/he didn't have any friends. I'm just here to tell you that everything does get better. I was always the person in school who had only a couple of friends; I was picked on and actually hated going to school. Things got a little better when I went to college, but I was still incredibly shy and didn't really hang out with anyone. I eventually got a job with people my own age who went out a lot and they began to include me when the went out. I slowly but surely went out with them occasionally. So that helped. Somewhere in my late 20's, I started to really get to know myself. What I liked, what I wanted to do with my life and what I stood for. I eventually went back to college, got my degree, and am now teaching elementary school. I'm also working on my Master's degree. I have great coworkers who love me for me, and I love them for them. Others even joke that we are the Three Musketeers. I guess what I'm trying to say is... "Hang in there." You're still trying to figure out who you are. Be yourself. Do what you like to do, not what others like to do. By doing this... you will eventually make friends with people who enjoy the same things you enjoy. I promise, you will eventually come across people who like you for you.

July 17th, 2012, 11:51 PM	#13
maddiemondie Member Join Date: Jul 2012 Posts: 19	Yeah I know hot it feels when you lose someone.