Parenting - What Challenges Lesbian Mom's?

QuietWOW · January 12th, 2001, 07:59 PM

Do you have children? Are you "out" to your children? Are you considering having children with a lesbian partner?

What challenges are there for lesbians who have children?

candygirl1030 · March 28th, 2001, 11:18 AM

Well I am a lesbian Mom and I have slowly come out to my children. My daughter who is 7 seems to be just fine with it ..perhaps a lack of understanding though. My son who is 9 seems to think that gay people are "sick". I do my best to explain things to him. Recently he says its alright that I am a lesbian yet I am getting a little unsure about what his pre-teen and teenage years will be like. I am interested in talking with some other moms who have sons. I want to know how I can make it easier on my son about his Mom being a lesbian. How does one handle the hurt of a child not having what is considered the "normal" family?

huee · March 31st, 2001, 04:47 PM

i haven't given much thought to whether or not i'm out to my child. i guess i'm not planning on having one serious discussion, but rather a lifetime of comments. it's complicated, 'cause all the planning that my gf & i did went out the door when we broke up. now we fly by the seat of our pants as we try to juggle co-parenting, new relationships, extended families, school (both our's & our daughter's) & general childhood. plus, my ex is now dating a guy. he's pretty decent though, which has helped us tremendously. i hope that with a lot of patience, humor & love, we will be able to raise a child who understands that the world holds many diff people & that her own life is hers to live, not ours.

QuietWoman · March 31st, 2001, 09:17 PM

((((((candy)))))) I'm not a Mom so you can /ignore this if you want

I am, however, a very loving Aunt, and I have seen a lot of my friends kids grow up in lesbian households.

So, here's what I think. First off - what's a normal family? If you look at the figures you'll find that not that high a proportion of kids actually grow up with their biological parents and siblings - there are, in reality a thousand different versions of a normal family.

Secondly, that idea of a normal family is actually a very new one. You really don't have to go back far in history to find folks living in all sorts of complicated extended family settings. And if you look at marginalised communities like the Amish, and at folks living in communes and kibbutzen, then there are still positive models of other types of families now.

And finally, I truly don't believe that any Mom - not even the best one - can protect their child from all the ills of the world, no matter how great the wish to do that might be. So, I'd say, of the tough things there are out there being raised by a Mom, or even two Mom's who love you - that's not really a bad one.

((((((huee)))))))

candygirl1030 · April 5th, 2001, 01:33 PM

{{{{Huee}}}}

{{{{Quiet}}}}

Thanks ladies...you made some good points. My g/f just met my kids for the first time this past weekend. Seems that my children adore her. My son especially! This was the first time I was ever affectionate in front of my children and neither one seemed to be bothered by it. Hmmm...perhaps I am not giving my children enough credit. I have always taught them that everyone has differences ....seems that they have learned something from that. Hmm...how lucky they will be to have to Moms.

My daughter wanted to know if g/f is going to be her step-mom...and then asked if she could call her Mom. So sweet....I am a very lucky lady!

huee · April 7th, 2001, 05:13 PM

candygirl - i'm curious - how long have you been w/your gf? 'cause i've been seeing someone for a few months & she spent about an hr w/my little girl & i the other day. they had a blast together. but we got into some debate about how my ex feels about me having gfs around the baby. i try & be careful who she's around, since i don't want her to get attached to someone that i'm not serious about. that was earlier this week. then yesterday, we were reading some stories & for the first time, c' asked me why some kids have two moms. i think i dropped the ball tho, 'cause i told her i would explain it after the story was over. then she didn't ask again, so i didn't bring it back up. i did tell my ex about it, so she'll know that some questions are coming up. i was just kinda caught off guard.

{{{{quiet}}}}}

{{{{candygirl}}}}

i'm just learning this hug thing - it's pretty cool!

candygirl1030 · April 14th, 2001, 10:43 AM

{{{{Huee}}}}

Well my g/f and I haven't been together but a couple of months. Though we have been friends for over a year now. I think you are extremly wise to keep who you are seeing seperate from your baby. I too do that with my children. They have only been around one of my girlfriends and that is the way I like to keep it. My girlfriend now is going to be in my life permenantly though and my children adore her. They had a wonderful time with her when she was here. She is coming back next week and then in May she will be here for good. We have decided not to move in together right away because of the children. We need time to grow into that. So far we are all off to a good start.
As for answering your daughter's questions about why some children have two Mommys. I think that honesty is your best bet. There are books about that you know. And I think pointing out that there are all kinds of families. Some people have just a Mommy, some have just a Daddy, some have 2 Mommys, some have 2 Daddys, some have grandparents. There are just so many to list but the important thing is that no matter what kind of family someone has, it is still a perfect family for them. Presently my children live with me and my parents and they go visit their Daddy and his girlfriend. I think that they are lucky to have so many people that love them. My ex's girlfriend is really good to my kids and they love her. They really like my girlfriend and she adores them as well. I made it clear to my girlfriend that if for some reason that we do not work out please stay close to my children. If she is to be involved in their life I do not want her to just walk away from that if we are to break up. She has promised me that she will do no such thing because she understands what it would do to them. When there are children involved in a relationship their feelings MUST be considered.
Good luck with explaining things to your daughter and try to be open and honest about everything. As for letting your girlfriend spend time with her...I would talk with your girlfriend about the seriousness of it and what you expect from it. If your relationship isn't serious then perhaps it would be better to hold off on spending any kind of 'family' time together. The one thing that is off limits to me is letting my children see me wake up in bed with someone. That is a very serious thing and if you don't know where the relationship stands, overnight visits with the girlfriend should be limited to when your daughter isn't home.
Smooches!!

April 19th, 2001, 08:40 AM

I just came across this message board and was reading the discussion...I am a lesbian mom of 3...I live in a small new england town,and I have been with my partner for about 4 years, I was married when we got together(that was tricky)
however, my lifestyle change which was challenging to say the least-has been rewarding.
I am hoping to have some discussions with other moms, my friends are all very supportive, but they arent lesbians!
My children are 11, 10, and 5. 2 boys oldest and youngest-daughter is middle child. They are excellent kids,they teach me so much.
I dont want to go on too much, just wanted to get aquainted alittle with ya'll...
--AquaSun

huee · April 21st, 2001, 05:09 PM

i agree, kids teach us so much. i think that's what i like best about my girl - i am relearning the world thru her eyes. the nice thing is that i still have a lot of that playful side in me, so it's usually pretty easy to relate to her. you guys all have much older kids - how have you dealt w/choosing their schools, being out to their teachers, attending events, etc.? i know that whenever i'm at the school, her teachers are probably wondering who i am. my ex tells them i'm her "best friend", which is true in a way. she doesn't want to cause problems in this oppressive southern town that we live in. i found that it was easier to explain my role when we were still together. now that we have seperated, it's difficult since i'm not a biological parent. one thing that i hear alot (from all different types of ppl) is ... "well, you don't have to stick around, you're not really her mom". i even get this from other gay ppl, which is beyond frustrating. i think as a community we should set a higher standard of behavior, not try & duck our responsibilities just b/c we could.

candygirl1030 · May 3rd, 2001, 01:12 PM

{{{{{AquaSun}}}}}

{{{{{Huee}}}}}

Hi there AquaSun, I too live in a small New England town. Just thought that I would share that with you...hey we're neighbors.

Hi huee, I think that you are to be admired for taking on the responsiblity that you and your ex created together. Whether you are biologically connected to your daughter or not makes no difference it is what is in your heart that makes you a parent. I have 2 children of my own biologically but my youngest child does not share my DNA...unfotunatly my ex moved him to Florida and I do not see him but for two years he called me Mommy....I will be seeing him this summer when he comes to visit...he is very much my son and that will never change.
As for being out to teachers and things...I have yet to do that. I am sure that I will encounter that soon. I have to end this now but I will be back again ..lol
~~candy

huee · June 20th, 2001, 02:36 AM

what's challenging me now is that my ex-g/f has total control over how often & under what circumstances i get to see my daughter. we've been having serious discussions lately, b/c she is overly afraid that i will get to spend "too much" time w/the baby. i'm not sure there is any such thing, but my ex is very angry at me & is lashing out by restricting my activities. this is very, very frustrating & i'm not sure what to do about it. not sure that i can do anything, other than bite my tongue & remember that life changes day to day.

candygirl1030 · June 20th, 2001, 11:12 PM

Perhaps you need to see a lawyer that deals with lesbians in this situation. It can't hurt to have a consult...you must have some kind of rights here. Good luck

chana · July 14th, 2001, 11:43 AM

We've always been out to our daughter's teachers.....it hasn't been a problem yet, except for one stupid substitute who wouldn't agree to write two names on a mother's day gift they made in class...but she was only there for one day, and I didn't make an issue of it.

While we do both pick the kidlet up from school on different days, I'm the one who goes to teacher-parent meetings, and I'm the one who does all the official stuff. But since my partner works much longer hours than I do, that makes sense.

A recent issue is other kids' questions about kidlet's non-existent father. While kidlet understands that she has two moms, she has a very hard time explaining it to other kids, mainly because they haven't the frame of reference that she has. We're dealing with that now, and it is bothering her.

candygirl1030 · July 18th, 2001, 09:44 AM

{{{{{ chana }}}} I know it must be hard for the kidlet now that she is growing up and feeling as she needs to explain to her friends that she only has two mommys and no daddy when they ask. Goddess bless her little heart. Good luck with this current issue. I am sure that with time and understanding she will find her way thru this.

Minty_Femme · October 13th, 2001, 03:25 PM

{{{{{ALL}}}}} I think being a mother is har enough with out throwing sexuality into the pot.M biggest chalange as a single parent of a young boy is weather or not he wears "pantis" or "underwear", I have compromised he wears "undies"LOL. Now that the silly stuff is out of the way I'll get serious. I haven't sat down and had "the talk" with my son yet. I don't hide who date either, when I was dating a few women I did try to keep it away from Sallvie until I knew that I was serious. Candy, I can't tell you how your son will re-act during his pre-teen years but I think if you continue to keep the lines of communication open that will be a big step. My friend's daughter said the hardest part about being a child of two gay parents was her friends asking if she was gay too. My friend's daughter also questioned herself because both her mother and father are gay. I think if you are positive and reassure your son when he asks you he will respect you.

April 19th, 2001, 08:40 AM	#8
aquaSun Guest Posts: n/a	Hello I just came across this message board and was reading the discussion...I am a lesbian mom of 3...I live in a small new england town,and I have been with my partner for about 4 years, I was married when we got together(that was tricky) however, my lifestyle change which was challenging to say the least-has been rewarding. I am hoping to have some discussions with other moms, my friends are all very supportive, but they arent lesbians! My children are 11, 10, and 5. 2 boys oldest and youngest-daughter is middle child. They are excellent kids,they teach me so much. I dont want to go on too much, just wanted to get aquainted alittle with ya'll... --AquaSun

January 12th, 2001, 07:59 PM	#1
QuietWOW WOW Host Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: UK Posts: 70	Do you have children? Are you "out" to your children? Are you considering having children with a lesbian partner? What challenges are there for lesbians who have children?

March 28th, 2001, 11:18 AM	#2
candygirl1030 Member Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Ithaca, NY Posts: 45	Well I am a lesbian Mom and I have slowly come out to my children. My daughter who is 7 seems to be just fine with it ..perhaps a lack of understanding though. My son who is 9 seems to think that gay people are "sick". I do my best to explain things to him. Recently he says its alright that I am a lesbian yet I am getting a little unsure about what his pre-teen and teenage years will be like. I am interested in talking with some other moms who have sons. I want to know how I can make it easier on my son about his Mom being a lesbian. How does one handle the hurt of a child not having what is considered the "normal" family?

March 31st, 2001, 04:47 PM	#3
huee Registered User Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: TN Posts: 54	i haven't given much thought to whether or not i'm out to my child. i guess i'm not planning on having one serious discussion, but rather a lifetime of comments. it's complicated, 'cause all the planning that my gf & i did went out the door when we broke up. now we fly by the seat of our pants as we try to juggle co-parenting, new relationships, extended families, school (both our's & our daughter's) & general childhood. plus, my ex is now dating a guy. he's pretty decent though, which has helped us tremendously. i hope that with a lot of patience, humor & love, we will be able to raise a child who understands that the world holds many diff people & that her own life is hers to live, not ours.

March 31st, 2001, 09:17 PM	#4
QuietWoman Member Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Sunny England! Posts: 278	((((((candy)))))) I'm not a Mom so you can /ignore this if you want I am, however, a very loving Aunt, and I have seen a lot of my friends kids grow up in lesbian households. So, here's what I think. First off - what's a normal family? If you look at the figures you'll find that not that high a proportion of kids actually grow up with their biological parents and siblings - there are, in reality a thousand different versions of a normal family. Secondly, that idea of a normal family is actually a very new one. You really don't have to go back far in history to find folks living in all sorts of complicated extended family settings. And if you look at marginalised communities like the Amish, and at folks living in communes and kibbutzen, then there are still positive models of other types of families now. And finally, I truly don't believe that any Mom - not even the best one - can protect their child from all the ills of the world, no matter how great the wish to do that might be. So, I'd say, of the tough things there are out there being raised by a Mom, or even two Mom's who love you - that's not really a bad one. ((((((huee)))))))

April 5th, 2001, 01:33 PM	#5
candygirl1030 Member Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Ithaca, NY Posts: 45	{{{{Huee}}}} {{{{Quiet}}}} Thanks ladies...you made some good points. My g/f just met my kids for the first time this past weekend. Seems that my children adore her. My son especially! This was the first time I was ever affectionate in front of my children and neither one seemed to be bothered by it. Hmmm...perhaps I am not giving my children enough credit. I have always taught them that everyone has differences ....seems that they have learned something from that. Hmm...how lucky they will be to have to Moms. My daughter wanted to know if g/f is going to be her step-mom...and then asked if she could call her Mom. So sweet....I am a very lucky lady!

April 7th, 2001, 05:13 PM	#6
huee Registered User Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: TN Posts: 54	candygirl - i'm curious - how long have you been w/your gf? 'cause i've been seeing someone for a few months & she spent about an hr w/my little girl & i the other day. they had a blast together. but we got into some debate about how my ex feels about me having gfs around the baby. i try & be careful who she's around, since i don't want her to get attached to someone that i'm not serious about. that was earlier this week. then yesterday, we were reading some stories & for the first time, c' asked me why some kids have two moms. i think i dropped the ball tho, 'cause i told her i would explain it after the story was over. then she didn't ask again, so i didn't bring it back up. i did tell my ex about it, so she'll know that some questions are coming up. i was just kinda caught off guard. {{{{quiet}}}}} {{{{candygirl}}}} i'm just learning this hug thing - it's pretty cool!

April 14th, 2001, 10:43 AM	#7
candygirl1030 Member Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Ithaca, NY Posts: 45	{{{{Huee}}}} Well my g/f and I haven't been together but a couple of months. Though we have been friends for over a year now. I think you are extremly wise to keep who you are seeing seperate from your baby. I too do that with my children. They have only been around one of my girlfriends and that is the way I like to keep it. My girlfriend now is going to be in my life permenantly though and my children adore her. They had a wonderful time with her when she was here. She is coming back next week and then in May she will be here for good. We have decided not to move in together right away because of the children. We need time to grow into that. So far we are all off to a good start. As for answering your daughter's questions about why some children have two Mommys. I think that honesty is your best bet. There are books about that you know. And I think pointing out that there are all kinds of families. Some people have just a Mommy, some have just a Daddy, some have 2 Mommys, some have 2 Daddys, some have grandparents. There are just so many to list but the important thing is that no matter what kind of family someone has, it is still a perfect family for them. Presently my children live with me and my parents and they go visit their Daddy and his girlfriend. I think that they are lucky to have so many people that love them. My ex's girlfriend is really good to my kids and they love her. They really like my girlfriend and she adores them as well. I made it clear to my girlfriend that if for some reason that we do not work out please stay close to my children. If she is to be involved in their life I do not want her to just walk away from that if we are to break up. She has promised me that she will do no such thing because she understands what it would do to them. When there are children involved in a relationship their feelings MUST be considered. Good luck with explaining things to your daughter and try to be open and honest about everything. As for letting your girlfriend spend time with her...I would talk with your girlfriend about the seriousness of it and what you expect from it. If your relationship isn't serious then perhaps it would be better to hold off on spending any kind of 'family' time together. The one thing that is off limits to me is letting my children see me wake up in bed with someone. That is a very serious thing and if you don't know where the relationship stands, overnight visits with the girlfriend should be limited to when your daughter isn't home. Smooches!!

April 21st, 2001, 05:09 PM	#9
huee Registered User Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: TN Posts: 54	i agree, kids teach us so much. i think that's what i like best about my girl - i am relearning the world thru her eyes. the nice thing is that i still have a lot of that playful side in me, so it's usually pretty easy to relate to her. you guys all have much older kids - how have you dealt w/choosing their schools, being out to their teachers, attending events, etc.? i know that whenever i'm at the school, her teachers are probably wondering who i am. my ex tells them i'm her "best friend", which is true in a way. she doesn't want to cause problems in this oppressive southern town that we live in. i found that it was easier to explain my role when we were still together. now that we have seperated, it's difficult since i'm not a biological parent. one thing that i hear alot (from all different types of ppl) is ... "well, you don't have to stick around, you're not really her mom". i even get this from other gay ppl, which is beyond frustrating. i think as a community we should set a higher standard of behavior, not try & duck our responsibilities just b/c we could.

May 3rd, 2001, 01:12 PM	#10
candygirl1030 Member Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Ithaca, NY Posts: 45	{{{{{AquaSun}}}}} {{{{{Huee}}}}} Hi there AquaSun, I too live in a small New England town. Just thought that I would share that with you...hey we're neighbors. Hi huee, I think that you are to be admired for taking on the responsiblity that you and your ex created together. Whether you are biologically connected to your daughter or not makes no difference it is what is in your heart that makes you a parent. I have 2 children of my own biologically but my youngest child does not share my DNA...unfotunatly my ex moved him to Florida and I do not see him but for two years he called me Mommy....I will be seeing him this summer when he comes to visit...he is very much my son and that will never change. As for being out to teachers and things...I have yet to do that. I am sure that I will encounter that soon. I have to end this now but I will be back again ..lol ~~candy

June 20th, 2001, 02:36 AM	#11
huee Registered User Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: TN Posts: 54	what's challenging me now is that my ex-g/f has total control over how often & under what circumstances i get to see my daughter. we've been having serious discussions lately, b/c she is overly afraid that i will get to spend "too much" time w/the baby. i'm not sure there is any such thing, but my ex is very angry at me & is lashing out by restricting my activities. this is very, very frustrating & i'm not sure what to do about it. not sure that i can do anything, other than bite my tongue & remember that life changes day to day.

June 20th, 2001, 11:12 PM	#12
candygirl1030 Member Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Ithaca, NY Posts: 45	Perhaps you need to see a lawyer that deals with lesbians in this situation. It can't hurt to have a consult...you must have some kind of rights here. Good luck

July 14th, 2001, 11:43 AM	#13
chana Member Join Date: Apr 2001 Posts: 36	We've always been out to our daughter's teachers.....it hasn't been a problem yet, except for one stupid substitute who wouldn't agree to write two names on a mother's day gift they made in class...but she was only there for one day, and I didn't make an issue of it. While we do both pick the kidlet up from school on different days, I'm the one who goes to teacher-parent meetings, and I'm the one who does all the official stuff. But since my partner works much longer hours than I do, that makes sense. A recent issue is other kids' questions about kidlet's non-existent father. While kidlet understands that she has two moms, she has a very hard time explaining it to other kids, mainly because they haven't the frame of reference that she has. We're dealing with that now, and it is bothering her.

July 18th, 2001, 09:44 AM	#14
candygirl1030 Member Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Ithaca, NY Posts: 45	{{{{{ chana }}}} I know it must be hard for the kidlet now that she is growing up and feeling as she needs to explain to her friends that she only has two mommys and no daddy when they ask. Goddess bless her little heart. Good luck with this current issue. I am sure that with time and understanding she will find her way thru this.

October 13th, 2001, 03:25 PM	#15
Minty_Femme Registered User Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: Ca Posts: 24	{{{{{ALL}}}}} I think being a mother is har enough with out throwing sexuality into the pot.M biggest chalange as a single parent of a young boy is weather or not he wears "pantis" or "underwear", I have compromised he wears "undies"LOL. Now that the silly stuff is out of the way I'll get serious. I haven't sat down and had "the talk" with my son yet. I don't hide who date either, when I was dating a few women I did try to keep it away from Sallvie until I knew that I was serious. Candy, I can't tell you how your son will re-act during his pre-teen years but I think if you continue to keep the lines of communication open that will be a big step. My friend's daughter said the hardest part about being a child of two gay parents was her friends asking if she was gay too. My friend's daughter also questioned herself because both her mother and father are gay. I think if you are positive and reassure your son when he asks you he will respect you.