What's wrong with me?! Is this how it's supposed to be?

ibaqt · February 15th, 2012, 03:29 AM

Hello everyone! I'm new to this forum and am in desperate need of advice! First off, I'm almost 21 years old and my boyfriend is 20. He is my first bf and we've been together for 4.5 years now.
When we met, he was not what I was "looking" for. I wont get into all our "pre-dating" drama, but honestly, I never had a huge crush on him like I've had on other guys. In fact, I've never really had that "lustful", "obsessed", or "butterflies-in-the-stomach" feeling. I know this isn't what love is about, but in my opinion, it's a good place to start.
We knew each other for about 7 months before we started dating, and I think the main reason I said yes to being his gf was because we already hung out a LOT and being a couple really wouldn't change anything. Before "scott" I had never gotten close to any guys. I've always been shy and for some reason, whenever a guy would like me or if a guy found out I liked them, I'd start to avoid them at all costs. Scott didn't let this to deter him. He pursued me until that feeling of needing to avoid him went away.

Our Relationship

Our relationship has had it's rough spots, but nothing serious like cheating or abuse. We've both done a lot of maturing, and still have a long ways to go. But if there's a problem or one of us is unhappy about something, we talk about it. He has never hurt me and he is always patient with me. If I get mad at him while we're apart, he'll drive to my house (which is about 40 minutes away) to talk about it in person, no matter what the time. He opens doors, pays whenever we go somewhere, texts me every morning when he wakes up and when he goes to bed, tells me I'm beautiful, and loves me for me. He's very talented and plays guitar, keyboard, rides dirt bikes, and street bikes. We have common interests and hobbies. He doesn't treat me differently around his friends and he's always puts me before them. Everyone can see how much he loves me and all my gf's envy me. On top of all that, he's not hard on the eyes and I get along well with his family.
After being together for 4.5 years, we know each other very well and are completely comfortable around each other. He is my best friend. We are together at least 5 hours a day, five or six days a week.

The Problem

I don't think I'm in love with him

I don't know what being "in love" feels like and I don't know if I ever will. I feel like I'm broken. I know I'm still young, but knowing myself, I don't find it hard to believe I'll never be "in love." Yes I love him and he's a great guy, but I don't think loving someone and being in love are the same thing. Yet, my emotions confuse me... (con't below later)

The Other Man

I have been thinking about what it would be like to be with another guy for probably a year now. This guy "tyler" and I were really good friends in high school. He was super easy to get along with and made me laugh all the time. I had a crush on him, which he never knew about, and I think he liked me, but it was never brought up, thank goodness. But after I changed schools, we lost touch. Tyler now goes to a college that's about 30 minutes away. Although we haven't talked much over the last 5 years, it wouldn't be hard to resurrect our friendship. If I were to ever leave Scott for someone, it would be Tyler. The problem is that I don't know Tyler THAT well. I don't know how he is in "relationship mode" if you know what I mean. I love that he makes me laugh, something Scott doesn't do very often. For some reason, everyone thinks scott's funny, except me.

The Problem Con't

Earlier this evening I tried to talk to Scott about how I felt. I never told him about my nagging feelings to test a relationship with Tyler. I just said, "Maybe it'd be a good idea to take a break and get to know other people." Of course he hates this idea, and for some reason, whenever I think about breaking it off with Scott or start to talk to someone about it, I get very sad and will sometimes even cry (like tonight after we talked, I cried pretty hard at the idea of taking a break). If we weren't together, I'd lose my best friend and I'd miss him terribly. I hate the thought of Scott being with another girl. HATE it! When we're not together, I miss him and want to be with him. But I don't have the "in love" feeling that I think I should have for someone I'm considering marrying! I love him and he's my best friend, but is that enough?! I don't want to be with him just because it's convenient or comfortable. I also don't want to get married and always ask myself "what would it have been like with Tyler?" And if Scott and I were to take a break, I don't want him to get with another girl or be hurt and have our relationship be different when we got back together.
There's always hanging out with Tyler while Scott and I are dating, but I would feel guilty knowing the real reason for hanging out with him: checking him out as a bf prospect.

What Do I Do?

What do I do?! I do not want to hurt Scott, and obviously taking a break would create the risk of losing him to another girl and it'd hurt me too, but I certainly do not want this nagging feeling of "what if" for the rest of my life! What is your idea of "being in love" and are couples that have been together 40 years still in love or have they gotten past that? I know a relationship can't survive on love alone. What's your experience been if you've had this problem?

February 15th, 2012, 03:29 AM	#1
ibaqt Member Join Date: Feb 2012 Posts: 1	What's wrong with me?! Is this how it's supposed to be? Hello everyone! I'm new to this forum and am in desperate need of advice! First off, I'm almost 21 years old and my boyfriend is 20. He is my first bf and we've been together for 4.5 years now. When we met, he was not what I was "looking" for. I wont get into all our "pre-dating" drama, but honestly, I never had a huge crush on him like I've had on other guys. In fact, I've never really had that "lustful", "obsessed", or "butterflies-in-the-stomach" feeling. I know this isn't what love is about, but in my opinion, it's a good place to start. We knew each other for about 7 months before we started dating, and I think the main reason I said yes to being his gf was because we already hung out a LOT and being a couple really wouldn't change anything. Before "scott" I had never gotten close to any guys. I've always been shy and for some reason, whenever a guy would like me or if a guy found out I liked them, I'd start to avoid them at all costs. Scott didn't let this to deter him. He pursued me until that feeling of needing to avoid him went away. Our Relationship Our relationship has had it's rough spots, but nothing serious like cheating or abuse. We've both done a lot of maturing, and still have a long ways to go. But if there's a problem or one of us is unhappy about something, we talk about it. He has never hurt me and he is always patient with me. If I get mad at him while we're apart, he'll drive to my house (which is about 40 minutes away) to talk about it in person, no matter what the time. He opens doors, pays whenever we go somewhere, texts me every morning when he wakes up and when he goes to bed, tells me I'm beautiful, and loves me for me. He's very talented and plays guitar, keyboard, rides dirt bikes, and street bikes. We have common interests and hobbies. He doesn't treat me differently around his friends and he's always puts me before them. Everyone can see how much he loves me and all my gf's envy me. On top of all that, he's not hard on the eyes and I get along well with his family. After being together for 4.5 years, we know each other very well and are completely comfortable around each other. He is my best friend. We are together at least 5 hours a day, five or six days a week. The Problem I don't think I'm in love with him I don't know what being "in love" feels like and I don't know if I ever will. I feel like I'm broken. I know I'm still young, but knowing myself, I don't find it hard to believe I'll never be "in love." Yes I love him and he's a great guy, but I don't think loving someone and being in love are the same thing. Yet, my emotions confuse me... (con't below later) The Other Man I have been thinking about what it would be like to be with another guy for probably a year now. This guy "tyler" and I were really good friends in high school. He was super easy to get along with and made me laugh all the time. I had a crush on him, which he never knew about, and I think he liked me, but it was never brought up, thank goodness. But after I changed schools, we lost touch. Tyler now goes to a college that's about 30 minutes away. Although we haven't talked much over the last 5 years, it wouldn't be hard to resurrect our friendship. If I were to ever leave Scott for someone, it would be Tyler. The problem is that I don't know Tyler THAT well. I don't know how he is in "relationship mode" if you know what I mean. I love that he makes me laugh, something Scott doesn't do very often. For some reason, everyone thinks scott's funny, except me. The Problem Con't Earlier this evening I tried to talk to Scott about how I felt. I never told him about my nagging feelings to test a relationship with Tyler. I just said, "Maybe it'd be a good idea to take a break and get to know other people." Of course he hates this idea, and for some reason, whenever I think about breaking it off with Scott or start to talk to someone about it, I get very sad and will sometimes even cry (like tonight after we talked, I cried pretty hard at the idea of taking a break). If we weren't together, I'd lose my best friend and I'd miss him terribly. I hate the thought of Scott being with another girl. HATE it! When we're not together, I miss him and want to be with him. But I don't have the "in love" feeling that I think I should have for someone I'm considering marrying! I love him and he's my best friend, but is that enough?! I don't want to be with him just because it's convenient or comfortable. I also don't want to get married and always ask myself "what would it have been like with Tyler?" And if Scott and I were to take a break, I don't want him to get with another girl or be hurt and have our relationship be different when we got back together. There's always hanging out with Tyler while Scott and I are dating, but I would feel guilty knowing the real reason for hanging out with him: checking him out as a bf prospect. What Do I Do? What do I do?! I do not want to hurt Scott, and obviously taking a break would create the risk of losing him to another girl and it'd hurt me too, but I certainly do not want this nagging feeling of "what if" for the rest of my life! What is your idea of "being in love" and are couples that have been together 40 years still in love or have they gotten past that? I know a relationship can't survive on love alone. What's your experience been if you've had this problem?