Low self esteem, father who makes me nervous.

Jugni · January 2nd, 2012, 02:48 PM

I'm 23, a student about to start my PhD. In school and after, I was never the one with highest marks, but would always do well enough in my studies. In my kind of family, this is very very important. But I did lots of other stuff. I'm not a great musician but I know I can move a roomful of people with my music. I have won pretty big prizes for music and for writing.
How is it that in spite of all this, I can't hold my own in front of my dad? My dad is a very high-strung person. He is always in a temper. Little things make him angry. I fear very much, that I will also become like him. I find myself sometimes flying off the handle, my heart races, I want to throw something. Sometimes I do. But this is really because I'm bad at reasoning. I get emotional. Then out of helplessness sometimes I throw stuff. But more often, I just cry. And I'm nervous most of the time because I never know what he will scream at next. Now, on this forum, I read about abuse and serious stuff, and I think, is it that bad?
And if I think clearly, I know that I love my dad because there are a lot things I like about him. He taught me a lot. Definitely. When he's not all worked up, we have a good time.
I don't want to turn bitter and hate him for the bad things, because I know in my heart he's not all bad. I don't know why he's angry/irritated so often.
Anyhow, I just want to know what I can do to keep myself calm. Because dad is not the kind of person you can talk to and reason with. Trust me, I've tried. My own fear is making me feel terrible. I cry, I can feel my whole body tense up, I want to run away. I want to figure out a way to be ok, which doesn't involve some Oprah-style talk with a counsellor, because some people will just never change, but I want my life to be less filled with tension now.
Hope this is not too long and boring! Thank you, whoever reads this. Wanted to get it off my chest!

IRISH_EYES_99 · January 3rd, 2012, 02:29 PM

Dear Jungi, First things first your father's attitude may never change. However if you can remember this, then it is time to really do for you. Sounds to me that if you can entertain a roomful of people & have them enjoy your music, then you have accomplished a lot.
You're young I am not so young.. but I know what it's like to want your dad's approval. It may never happen or it may towards the end of his yrs. I can connect with the anger/ temper. May I suggest you write down your feelings. Make a list of pro's & con's in your situation. .. It may help you.

Have you tried talking to your dad when he is in better spirits? Don't know if that will work...
What you really should do to help yourself & your self esteem ... write, write, then write some more. Do a journal of positive things you do in your life.

It took me way to many yrs to see my self worth. Don't let it take you that many. You'll lose out on some important things about you.

Forgive your father. You don't have to tell him, but it will help you to heal. Then when he does say something negative remember.. he really doesn't know how much he is hurting you.

Do things to make yourself feel better. You have a lot of self worth,you need to see that in yourself.

No, I'm not a therapist or counselor. But I have gone though similar circumstances. Please know that you are not alone. Work on accepting that you are an accomplished young woman. That your self worth should be worked on for your own good.

Wish you the very best. Your New Year endeavor is to feel good about your many accomplishments. Not to prove things to your father, but to enhance your own self worth. ...
Good luck. Keep us posted.

Wolf_angel · January 7th, 2012, 09:34 AM

I agree with IRISH...start with doing positive steps towards yourself. When your Dad gets mad just walk away. Put on some music that makes you happy and good about yourself. Then do something positive for yourself. This makes the difference in allowing your Dad's anger and etc affect you. Taking a negative and turning it into a positive for yourself. Hope this helps as it was meant too. Hugs

valentine · April 24th, 2012, 10:10 AM

I do agree to the posts before, but what I really do understand is the feeling of a lack of reasoning. The feeling where you sometimes just don't know what to do or what to say because it seems to have no effect or is looked down on, especially from people that "only want your best" or family members that are really close. I learned to reson though, there is good ways of doing that. Just look it up on the internet. Also with more live experience (you're only 23) comes a certain kind of relaxation when it comes to accepting other peoples opinion mostly (your dad might have been excluded in that learning process). Just don't focus on other people to much. Are you, yourself happy and content with what you are doing?

BethanyGrace · April 24th, 2012, 10:23 AM

Hi Jugni. It sounds to me like you might want to consider moving out. I know that you love your father, but you are a grown woman now, and need to think of what's best for your well being. Just the fact that you have to question "if it's really that bad" says that it's on it's way. You should never be made to feel that uncomfortable. I can tell you, that you can do this. You'll find your way. I have been on my own since I was 18, and I'm 28 now. Believe me, you are more than strong enough. I wish you the best

Bliss ladee · July 18th, 2012, 04:49 AM

I also have a strict dad... But not temper but I do have a temper uncle who acts like my father too. But, all men is that you have to speak back by letting him think critically. For example, he want his way... You say dad i'm not under 18 (remind him, smile though). Tell him that's how he likes to do a certain way... But you are not him ( & laugh about it). Joke by saying, dad did you wanted a son ( even if you have other brothers) say with did you wanted another boy hoping I was ( again lol). He would think of what you say after the fact you say it n realize he needs to change in some ways.

Maureen · August 21st, 2012, 02:16 PM

I had a similar experience,i just get the thought of my dad,totally out of my mind,& i completely have faith in myself.

January 2nd, 2012, 02:48 PM	#1
Jugni Member Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 2	Low self esteem, father who makes me nervous. I'm 23, a student about to start my PhD. In school and after, I was never the one with highest marks, but would always do well enough in my studies. In my kind of family, this is very very important. But I did lots of other stuff. I'm not a great musician but I know I can move a roomful of people with my music. I have won pretty big prizes for music and for writing. How is it that in spite of all this, I can't hold my own in front of my dad? My dad is a very high-strung person. He is always in a temper. Little things make him angry. I fear very much, that I will also become like him. I find myself sometimes flying off the handle, my heart races, I want to throw something. Sometimes I do. But this is really because I'm bad at reasoning. I get emotional. Then out of helplessness sometimes I throw stuff. But more often, I just cry. And I'm nervous most of the time because I never know what he will scream at next. Now, on this forum, I read about abuse and serious stuff, and I think, is it that bad? And if I think clearly, I know that I love my dad because there are a lot things I like about him. He taught me a lot. Definitely. When he's not all worked up, we have a good time. I don't want to turn bitter and hate him for the bad things, because I know in my heart he's not all bad. I don't know why he's angry/irritated so often. Anyhow, I just want to know what I can do to keep myself calm. Because dad is not the kind of person you can talk to and reason with. Trust me, I've tried. My own fear is making me feel terrible. I cry, I can feel my whole body tense up, I want to run away. I want to figure out a way to be ok, which doesn't involve some Oprah-style talk with a counsellor, because some people will just never change, but I want my life to be less filled with tension now. Hope this is not too long and boring! Thank you, whoever reads this. Wanted to get it off my chest! Last edited by Jugni; January 2nd, 2012 at 02:57 PM. Reason: Thought that it was a mistake to share my real profession and details that could show who I am.

January 3rd, 2012, 02:29 PM	#2
IRISH_EYES_99 Member Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: in the state of confusion :) Posts: 3,524	Dear Jungi, First things first your father's attitude may never change. However if you can remember this, then it is time to really do for you. Sounds to me that if you can entertain a roomful of people & have them enjoy your music, then you have accomplished a lot. You're young I am not so young.. but I know what it's like to want your dad's approval. It may never happen or it may towards the end of his yrs. I can connect with the anger/ temper. May I suggest you write down your feelings. Make a list of pro's & con's in your situation. .. It may help you. Have you tried talking to your dad when he is in better spirits? Don't know if that will work... What you really should do to help yourself & your self esteem ... write, write, then write some more. Do a journal of positive things you do in your life. It took me way to many yrs to see my self worth. Don't let it take you that many. You'll lose out on some important things about you. Forgive your father. You don't have to tell him, but it will help you to heal. Then when he does say something negative remember.. he really doesn't know how much he is hurting you. Do things to make yourself feel better. You have a lot of self worth,you need to see that in yourself. No, I'm not a therapist or counselor. But I have gone though similar circumstances. Please know that you are not alone. Work on accepting that you are an accomplished young woman. That your self worth should be worked on for your own good. Wish you the very best. Your New Year endeavor is to feel good about your many accomplishments. Not to prove things to your father, but to enhance your own self worth. ... Good luck. Keep us posted. __________________ Smiles are contagious. It's ok to pass them on. *

January 7th, 2012, 09:34 AM	#3
Wolf_angel A survivor of chaos Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Where my heart is Posts: 3,147	I agree with IRISH...start with doing positive steps towards yourself. When your Dad gets mad just walk away. Put on some music that makes you happy and good about yourself. Then do something positive for yourself. This makes the difference in allowing your Dad's anger and etc affect you. Taking a negative and turning it into a positive for yourself. Hope this helps as it was meant too. Hugs __________________ May you walk in the shadow of the Great Spirit~To help others is a special gift we can either give or take~The more you give the more you receive~

April 24th, 2012, 10:10 AM	#4
valentine Member Join Date: Apr 2012 Posts: 4	I do agree to the posts before, but what I really do understand is the feeling of a lack of reasoning. The feeling where you sometimes just don't know what to do or what to say because it seems to have no effect or is looked down on, especially from people that "only want your best" or family members that are really close. I learned to reson though, there is good ways of doing that. Just look it up on the internet. Also with more live experience (you're only 23) comes a certain kind of relaxation when it comes to accepting other peoples opinion mostly (your dad might have been excluded in that learning process). Just don't focus on other people to much. Are you, yourself happy and content with what you are doing?

April 24th, 2012, 10:23 AM	#5
BethanyGrace Member Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: New Hampshire, USA Posts: 13	Hi Jugni. It sounds to me like you might want to consider moving out. I know that you love your father, but you are a grown woman now, and need to think of what's best for your well being. Just the fact that you have to question "if it's really that bad" says that it's on it's way. You should never be made to feel that uncomfortable. I can tell you, that you can do this. You'll find your way. I have been on my own since I was 18, and I'm 28 now. Believe me, you are more than strong enough. I wish you the best

July 18th, 2012, 04:49 AM	#6
Bliss ladee Member Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: South California Posts: 8	I also have a strict dad... But not temper but I do have a temper uncle who acts like my father too. But, all men is that you have to speak back by letting him think critically. For example, he want his way... You say dad i'm not under 18 (remind him, smile though). Tell him that's how he likes to do a certain way... But you are not him ( & laugh about it). Joke by saying, dad did you wanted a son ( even if you have other brothers) say with did you wanted another boy hoping I was ( again lol). He would think of what you say after the fact you say it n realize he needs to change in some ways.

August 21st, 2012, 02:16 PM	#7
Maureen Member Join Date: Jul 2012 Posts: 16	I had a similar experience,i just get the thought of my dad,totally out of my mind,& i completely have faith in myself.