is alcohol really to blaim and does it stop?

cuddlykitten · March 29th, 2012, 02:26 PM

I have been in a two year relationship with a beautiful, lover, and caring woman who gave up everything in another country and move to america to be with me. There is a 10 year difference between us and I have two small children 13 and 8. Over the course of a year from jan 2011 until recently in September of 2012 we have gotten in several arguments in which she struck out physically at me, black eyes, a broken nose, bumps on my head. In September we tried counseling which didn’t go as planned – things were okay for awhile until about two week ago she got angry with me and threw a glass of wine over and picked up my lap top and smashed it to the floor. With the help of my childrens father I made the decision to leave the next day. I miss her so much as she does me – yeah I know it probably sounds silly – but the good times did out weigh the bad. She wants me back and part of me really wants to be with her – if I don’t go back she will have to leave the country and go back to where she came from with next to nothing. We talked last week and she promised to never drink again – every incident did involve alcohol. If I give her that chance and it fails I won’t have my support system to turn to that helped me get out and god only knows what my kids will think. But it I don’t give her that chance how will I ever know? Any advice would be great since my head is completely messed up right now.

Wolf_angel · April 1st, 2012, 08:32 PM

Sometimes its whether who is more important? Your kids or her? Sorry to be hard like that but its time to thnk about your kids first and other things later. If she goes back, then that is sad. Yet maybe make her realize what she did have and lost even if its temporary. Until she stops drinking permanently then just walk away. Be safe for your kids is more important as well as for yourself. Hope this helps as it was meant too not meant to offend anyone. Hugs

IRISH_EYES_99 · April 11th, 2012, 06:49 PM

Alcohol it used as an excuse to say I didn't mean to do that? Or complete denial." I don't remember doing that, therefore I didn't."
Abuse under any circumstance is totally unacceptable. I know how had it is to leave a situation like that. Let me tell you if you stay in that relationship, & allow your kids to see it, hear it.. then you are doing them more damage than good.
You & your partner need to really clear the air & make some major decisions. No relationship is worth taking abuse. Love is not abuse. Never ever! Love is being able to work though the differences, if you can't then get yourself & your children out of it ASAP.
Please reread this several times. Please take care. Let us know how you make out. Good luck.

Wolf_angel · April 13th, 2012, 08:35 AM

Agreeing with IRISH Hugs

justjanenh · May 7th, 2012, 10:04 PM

Kids always trump adults. I am under the belief... I am strong b/c of my experiences, my daughter and son aren't they are still fresh and unbroken... so my purpose in life is to try to make myself happy while at the same time leaving my children unbroken. I would love to pack them in my little chevy cruz and use three tanks of gasand go back to my home town. Although it was my hell growing up, since my mom has been buried there I feel. this need to make sure her grave is ok. I couldup root, my kids would have to go to a different school. My youngest would be ok... my oldest, would freak out.. So here I sit.... waiting for another solution to come along, b/c that decision might break someone. I en't drank fro 10 days..... I was never violent... however my husband has ptsd and drinks like there is no tommorrow. I am trying to convince him to go to aa or something.. but no luck. Oh well..

sorry so long

Jane

IRISH_EYES_99 · May 9th, 2012, 10:03 PM

Hi Jane, You can talk to him about AA but unless he admits he has a problem & willing to face it, then things won't change. FACT! Do you have someone that you can talk to. Have you thought about counseling for you & your kids? Hope you find a safe solution for all.

Wolf_angel · May 11th, 2012, 07:14 AM

Also if your husband is a Veteran does he have access to a VA Hospital? If so he should go into counselling....plus apply for benefits if he doesnt already get them. PTSD is hard to deal with. Sadly not much was known before IRAQ but now it is widely known. I hope this helps. Hugs

March 29th, 2012, 02:26 PM	#1
cuddlykitten Member Join Date: Mar 2012 Posts: 1	is alcohol really to blaim and does it stop? I have been in a two year relationship with a beautiful, lover, and caring woman who gave up everything in another country and move to america to be with me. There is a 10 year difference between us and I have two small children 13 and 8. Over the course of a year from jan 2011 until recently in September of 2012 we have gotten in several arguments in which she struck out physically at me, black eyes, a broken nose, bumps on my head. In September we tried counseling which didn’t go as planned – things were okay for awhile until about two week ago she got angry with me and threw a glass of wine over and picked up my lap top and smashed it to the floor. With the help of my childrens father I made the decision to leave the next day. I miss her so much as she does me – yeah I know it probably sounds silly – but the good times did out weigh the bad. She wants me back and part of me really wants to be with her – if I don’t go back she will have to leave the country and go back to where she came from with next to nothing. We talked last week and she promised to never drink again – every incident did involve alcohol. If I give her that chance and it fails I won’t have my support system to turn to that helped me get out and god only knows what my kids will think. But it I don’t give her that chance how will I ever know? Any advice would be great since my head is completely messed up right now.

April 1st, 2012, 08:32 PM	#2
Wolf_angel A survivor of chaos Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Where my heart is Posts: 3,147	Sometimes its whether who is more important? Your kids or her? Sorry to be hard like that but its time to thnk about your kids first and other things later. If she goes back, then that is sad. Yet maybe make her realize what she did have and lost even if its temporary. Until she stops drinking permanently then just walk away. Be safe for your kids is more important as well as for yourself. Hope this helps as it was meant too not meant to offend anyone. Hugs __________________ May you walk in the shadow of the Great Spirit~To help others is a special gift we can either give or take~The more you give the more you receive~

April 11th, 2012, 06:49 PM	#3
IRISH_EYES_99 Member Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: in the state of confusion :) Posts: 3,524	Alcohol it used as an excuse to say I didn't mean to do that? Or complete denial." I don't remember doing that, therefore I didn't." Abuse under any circumstance is totally unacceptable. I know how had it is to leave a situation like that. Let me tell you if you stay in that relationship, & allow your kids to see it, hear it.. then you are doing them more damage than good. You & your partner need to really clear the air & make some major decisions. No relationship is worth taking abuse. Love is not abuse. Never ever! Love is being able to work though the differences, if you can't then get yourself & your children out of it ASAP. Please reread this several times. Please take care. Let us know how you make out. Good luck. __________________ Smiles are contagious. It's ok to pass them on. *

April 13th, 2012, 08:35 AM	#4
Wolf_angel A survivor of chaos Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Where my heart is Posts: 3,147	Agreeing with IRISH Hugs __________________ May you walk in the shadow of the Great Spirit~To help others is a special gift we can either give or take~The more you give the more you receive~

May 9th, 2012, 10:03 PM	#6
IRISH_EYES_99 Member Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: in the state of confusion :) Posts: 3,524	Hi Jane, You can talk to him about AA but unless he admits he has a problem & willing to face it, then things won't change. FACT! Do you have someone that you can talk to. Have you thought about counseling for you & your kids? Hope you find a safe solution for all. __________________ Smiles are contagious. It's ok to pass them on. *

May 7th, 2012, 10:04 PM	#5
justjanenh Member Join Date: May 2012 Location: NH Posts: 17	Kids always trump adults. I am under the belief... I am strong b/c of my experiences, my daughter and son aren't they are still fresh and unbroken... so my purpose in life is to try to make myself happy while at the same time leaving my children unbroken. I would love to pack them in my little chevy cruz and use three tanks of gasand go back to my home town. Although it was my hell growing up, since my mom has been buried there I feel. this need to make sure her grave is ok. I couldup root, my kids would have to go to a different school. My youngest would be ok... my oldest, would freak out.. So here I sit.... waiting for another solution to come along, b/c that decision might break someone. I en't drank fro 10 days..... I was never violent... however my husband has ptsd and drinks like there is no tommorrow. I am trying to convince him to go to aa or something.. but no luck. Oh well.. sorry so long Jane

May 11th, 2012, 07:14 AM	#7
Wolf_angel A survivor of chaos Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Where my heart is Posts: 3,147	Also if your husband is a Veteran does he have access to a VA Hospital? If so he should go into counselling....plus apply for benefits if he doesnt already get them. PTSD is hard to deal with. Sadly not much was known before IRAQ but now it is widely known. I hope this helps. Hugs __________________ May you walk in the shadow of the Great Spirit~To help others is a special gift we can either give or take~The more you give the more you receive~